Advance Directive
by bigred08
Summary: Circumstances require Ray to return to County.  Spoilers through The Honeymoon Is Over.  Raycentric, Rabby friendship, will  ultimately be a RayNeela.
1. Called Back

**Advance Directive**

**Disclaimer**: Recognizable characters are used without permission. Don't sue. The inconvenience is just not worth it.

**Summary**: Circumstances force Ray to return to County.

**Spoilers**: Up through "The Honeymoon Is Over." From there it's all speculative and my imagination.

**Content Warning**: Strong language.

**A/N**: I tried to make this as accurate as possible. I am not 100 percent sure I am using correct terminology. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Also, I don't know if it chronologically works (what time of day was the rally??)

Ray-centric. This has a strong Rabby friendship, but it's totally platonic. Will ultimately be a RayNeela.

_**EDIT**_: I have reposted this chapter to correct some mistakes regarding the DPA. They bugged me and would create inconsistencies if I didn't change them. THANK YOU DubenkoJunkie for the info!

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**Chapter 1: Called Back**

Abby's stomach knotted when the call came in. There was a trauma coming in 11 minutes out. Twenty nine year old woman with crush injuries after being trampled in a stampede. Her name was Neela Rasgotra. The paramedics suggested they get in touch with the next of kin. Abby called up to the surgical floor. A woman named Shirley answered the phone.

"I need emergency contact information for a doctor up there. Neela Rasgotra," Abby said hurriedly.

"Just a moment, let me check," the other woman said calmly.

"Quickly, please," Abby urged. A few moments later, Shirley returned to the phone.

"I'm sorry we don't have anything on Dr. Rasgotra."

"She works up there," Abby countered, "it's R-A-S," she started spelling.

"G-O-T-R-A, I know Abby. I checked twice. Maybe it didn't get transferred up here when she moved up from the ER. Check the files down there."

"Alright. Thanks," Abby said quickly before hanging up, replacing the phone in the cradle a little harder than necessary. She flipped through the staff medical records in the ER, while Morris and Pratt waited in the ambulance bay, Summers, Swartz, Sylvester, Ramamurthy, Ratnasami, Raven, Ryley. She went back, carefully separating each folder. There was nothing between Ramamurthy and Ratnasami.

"Greg," Abby said urgently, running over to him, "there is no file for her."

"What do you mean? She's a physician here!"

"Thanks, Greg I hadn't noticed," she said sarcastically. "What am I supposed to do?"

"I guess call her parents."

"I don't have that number."

"Would Ray?"

"Maybe but no one's seen him since my wedding."

"Try his cell." Abby ran back inside. She grabbed her cell phone from her locker and scrolled down her phone book until she got to the number she was looking for. _Ray_. She pressed send.

-o-

Ray had fallen asleep. Katey felt his cell phone buzzing on the seat next to her. She picked up and looked at the caller ID. _Abby_. She pushed a button on the side to stop the phone from vibrating and she put it back on the seat. A few seconds later, it beeped once, indicating a missed call. This sequence repeated twice more. On the fourth call, Katey pulled off her earphones and answered.

"What?" she said, not masking any hostility at all.

"Who is this?" Abby asked, a female voice catching her off guard.

"Katey. What do you want?" She sounded irritated, but Abby didn't care.

"I need to speak with Ray," Abby said calmly.

"He's not taking phone calls right now," she said shortly.

"I need to talk to him. Now." Abby's voice hardened.

"He's asleep," Katey countered.

"Wake him up." Abby was getting irritated.

"He needs his rest."

"Oh my fucking god Katey," Abby snapped. "Get over yourself. Wake him up NOW." Katey sighed and gently shook Ray's shoulder.

"Phone's for you." He looked back at her sleepily.

"Tell them I'm sleeping." He closed his eyes again.

"I did. Abby is very insistent on talking to you." Resigned, Ray took the phone. Katey didn't particularly want to hear what Abby had to say, so she put her headphones back on and continued people watching.

"What could possibly be so important that you need to wake me up, Abby?" he asked, groggily.

"Does Neela have," she started, but Ray cut her off.

"I don't know what she's said to you, but I'm not discussing her."

"Fuck you Ray. Listen to me. I don't know where you are. No one's seen or heard from you since my wedding, but I need you to stop fucking around and listen." She took a deep breath before continuing. "Does Neela have an advance directive?"

"I don't know, ask her."

"I can't Ray! That's why I'm asking you! I had to call you four times before anyone picked up. Do you think this isn't urgent?"

"Why do you need to know?"

"Because she's on her way here in a fucking ambulance and the paramedics told us to contact her next of kin." Ray was suddenly very awake. He sat up a little straighter. "I thought you might be able to stop playing whatever little game is going on between the two of you long enough to help us out," Abby continued.

"Yeah," he said, swallowing a lump in his throat. "She does. A durable power of attorney." He paused. "There's a copy of it with her insurance information, which she has at home. It's the second folder from the back in her file box."

"I can't exactly go get it right now. Do you know what it says? Who's named in it?"

"She changed it to Michael right after her wedding, I believe."

"Changed it from who?"

"From…uhm…me."

"Where are you right now?"

"Gary-Chicago airport."

"You've got to come back Ray."

"I'm not on it anymore."

"Well, you were, and that's more than any of us can say. Please Ray. No questions asked. I don't care where you were, or what you were doing, or why the hell you are at the airport. It's melodramatic to say, but this could be life or death."

"Fuck." He closed his eyes and let his head fall back. "Fuck," he sighed again. Pulling the phone away from his mouth, Abby could hear him say, "We have to go." A female voice that didn't sound like Katey answered something about missing the flight, to which he answered, "yeah no shit, but I'm kind of legally and morally bound here. I…I have to go back." Returning to his conversation with Abby he said, "I'll be there in about an hour and a half. I'm already inside waiting to get my baggage checked and the traffic is pretty bad."

"Keep your cell phone on. Can she be intubated?"

"Yeah. CPR is ok too. No defibrillation. A vent is ok as long as it's temporary."

"Ok. We'll call if there're more questions. Oh wait. Do you have her parents' number?"

"Not particularly accessible."

"See if you can dig it out. No one around here knows it."

"All that info is in that folder I told you about. We both know you are too close to her to be objective. Let someone else take the trauma. Go to your apartment and get the folder. And see if you can get in touch with the hospital attorney, about using an outdated copy, if that would be legal given the circumstances. Her name's Angela Gilliam, I think?"

"I am very familiar with her after Luka's malpractice suit."

"Oh right."

"Ok, I need to go. See you soon."

"See you," he said, down-trodden.

"What the hell is going on?" Katey asked, confused as to why Ray's mother was collecting their things and stepping out of the line to check their baggage.

"Neela is really injured," Ray said hesitantly.

"After all she's done to you, you're missing your flight just so you can go see her?" she asked, irritation clear in her voice.

"I have to," he answered calmly.

"No you don't. She's been horrible to you. She doesn't deserve it."

"Shut up Katey!" he said harshly. "I _have_ to go, it's not that I particularly _want_ to."

"That's what I'm saying, you don't," Katey started.

"Legally, Katey, I have to be there. It's in her advance directive." Katey scowled.

"I'll go get my car from short term parking," Katey conceded.

"Katey," Ray said, his voice cold with warning, "I know you don't like her, but don't screw around. Get the car quickly." She glared at him, but did walk away quickly.

-o-

Abby hurried to her locker to get her purse and quickly explained to the attendings that she was going to get Neela's paperwork, at the suggestion of Ray. She told them what he'd told her about her wishes, and that his cell phone was on and he'd be reachable until he got here in 90 minutes.

-o-

When Abby got to her apartment, she went straight to Neela's corner of stuff. Sure enough, there was a file box, and the second to last folder was marked 'insurance, etc." She flipped through it quickly, checking the needed information was there, and hurried back to the L. While she sat on the train, she read over the advance directive. There was a post-it note stuck to the front, which read, 'note to self, talk to attorney about changing this to Michael!!!' Abby flipped to the last page. She read the paragraph at the bottom.

_I, Neela Rasgotra M.D. of 3990 Mallon Blvd. #3B, Chicago, IL 60680 hereby appoint: Raymond Barnett M.D. of 3990 Mallon Blvd. #3B, Chicago, IL 60680, as my attorney-in-fact (my "agent") to act for me and in my name (in any way I could act in person) to make any and all decisions for me concerning my personal care, medical treatment, hospitalization and health care and to require, withhold or withdraw any type of medical treatment or procedure, even though my death may ensue…__(1)_

The notarization stamp was at the bottom, along with the attorney's signature, Neela's signature, and finally, on the line that read Agent, _Raymond Barnett M.D._, dated May 18, 2005. Less than a year before she moved out of his apartment. Less than a year before Michael died.

-o-

"You don't have to do this Ray," Katey said once again, looking at Ray in the rear view mirror.

"You need to stop," Ray said fiercely. "I'm not particularly happy about it either, but the fact is I signed an agreement saying if anything happened to her, I would make medical decisions on her behalf."

"Fine," she scoffed.

Ray picked up his phone, went to the first entry of his phone book, _Abby_, took a deep breath and pressed send. Abby answered on the first ring.

"Something wrong?" Abby said immediately.

"No. I just have a request."

"Ok."

"Can you meet me out front? I don't want to come in through the ambulance bay."

"Uh, ok."

"You'll understand when I get there," he said, his stomach getting queasy at the thought of everyone seeing him in his current state.

"Ok."

"That's all."

"Wait, Ray." She paused. "I have Neela's file here. Just thought I'd let you know, there's a post-it on the front, reminding her to change the agent in her DPA to Michael, but she never did. Your signature is still there." He took another deep breath, straining his already painful ribs. "It's still officially you."

"I'll be there soon. Traffic isn't as bad in this direction. Thirty minutes, tops."

"Ok. See you soon." Ray hung up. He groaned.

"You ok, honey?" his mom asked. Katey had elected to drive, and Jacy sat in the back with her son.

"Yeah, just not looking forward to this." He refocused his attention to Katey's reflection in the rear view mirror. "But I am going to do it," he said sharply.

When they were pulling into the parking lot of the hospital, Ray called Abby again to let her know he was there. She met him in front, like she said she would. A look of shock crossed her face when she saw him, not immediately recognizing him without his normal swagger.

"Hi, Ray," she managed to get out.

"Hey." Katey stood next to Ray, possessively, while his mother hung back.

"What happ—," she started, but he cut her off.

"I'm not here for a social visit. I'm here because I signed a contract saying I would do this, nothing else. I'm not discussing what happened." Abby nodded.

"Sorry. I didn't mean…sorry. She's up in surgery right now. We can go to the observation room, or you can talk to Morris and Pratt about what happened with her in the ER."

"Like I said, this isn't a social visit. What happened there is done. I'm here to make decisions as needed." Abby nodded again.

"I have to go move the car, I'm not actually parked legally," Katey announced.

"You can go," he said calmly. "From the sound of it, I'm going to be here a while." Katey didn't argue, and she left. "Oh, and Abby, sorry, this is my mother, Jacy." Jacy stepped forward and the two women shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. "Let's go." The three of them went straight to the elevators, and headed up to the surgery floor. When they got there, Abby went ahead, while Jacy pushed Ray down the hall.

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Please review...constructive criticism is always accepted too! 

(1) This is taken from the Power of Attorney for Health Care, Illinois Statutory Short Form taken from the Illinois Department of Public Health website. (http://www.idph.state.il.us/public/books/advin.htm) No copyright infringement is intended.


	2. Doing What I Came For

**Disclaimer**: See chapter 1

**Content ****Warning**: I guess saying there was going to be "a lot" of strong language was a bit of an exaggeration. But there will continue to be some swearing, but not excessive. At least I hope not!

**A/N**: This is not a very Gates-friendly fic, I'm not going to make him disproportionately evil, but he won't be anyone's favorite person…In this version of the story, Sarah did not go to her grandparents' house. She's still living with Gates.

Thanks for the reviews! (I will get back to my other story "Not This Time," but I decided I didn't really like where I was taking it, so it will still be some time before the next chapter goes up. But it will come!)

_**EDIT**_: I have reposted this chapter to correct some minor mistakes regarding the DPA. They bugged me and would create inconsistencies if I didn't change them.

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**Chapter 2: Doing What I Came For**

Abby entered the observation room, causing Pratt and Gates to look away from the surgery for a moment.

"Ray's coming right now," she announced. "He made it clear that he's only here for Neela. He doesn't want to talk about anything else." Gates turned his focus back to the surgery, ignoring the rest of what Abby had to say. Greg gave her an odd look. "It'll make sense when he gets here. Keep a straight face, Greg." He nodded and stood up, shutting off the intercom, to avoid any unnecessary noise while Ray arrived and got settled in. A few moments later, Jacy wheeled Ray into the room. Gates didn't acknowledge the other man's presence, and kept his focus on the floor below. Greg was careful to avoid giving any reaction to Ray's new condition.

"Ray," he greeted the other man, "good to see you." Ray nodded slightly, then looked back at his mother.

"You can go now."

"You don't want me to stay?" she asked, disappointed.

"No." His voice was void of emotion.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked hopefully.

"Yeah. Go get a hotel room somewhere."

"You can stay at my apartment, Ray," Abby offered. Ray shot her a look. "Or not."

"Call me later, honey," Jacy said patting his shoulder, then left. The sound of the door shutting broke Gates' concentration which had kept him from hearing any of the preceding conversation.

"What are you doing here?" Gates asked, in a surly voice, not looking at Ray, but obviously talking to him.

"DPA, asshole."

"You?!" In his shock, he looked at the other man. He received another surprise upon seeing Ray for the first time.

"Yeah," he shot back, "me."

"Lucien," Abby spoke into the intercom, "we have the agent named in Neela's DPA."

"Who is it?" he asked.

"Ray," she answered.

"Barnett?"

"Yeah," Ray cut in, then addressed Abby. "Keep it on. I want to know what they're doing." Abby nodded and sat down next to him.

"Ray?" Dubenko asked. "I want some clarification, coming straight from patient advocate, ok?"

"Yes," he said pushing the button to answer. This repeated several times—Dubenko asking a question, and Ray leaning forward in his chair, pressing the button to answer.

"What are her wishes about CPR?" Gates nodded, obviously wanting to answer, but knowing he would be made to leave if he spoke.

"You may administer CPR."

"Defibrillation?" Gates made a face, as if the answer were a given affirmative.

"No." Ray's answer made Gates throw him an angry glance. Ray stared back at him, daring him to speak. Gates finally broke eye contact, returning his focus to the surgery.

"Blood transfusions?" Gates nodded again.

"Yes."

"Dialysis?" Gates nodded for a third time.

"That is situation dependent." Gates scowled.

"Ventilator?"

"If it's temporary, as I assume it is now for the surgery?"

"Yes. That's what we're hoping."

"That can be discussed further later."

"That's all for now. Thank you."

"Yeah," Ray said quietly.

The four doctors sat in silence, listening to surgeons as they talked through what they were doing. After about an hour, Abby turned to Ray, putting a hand on his arm.

"Thank you for coming back," she whispered. Ray didn't look at her, but he nodded, acknowledging that he'd heard her. A few minutes later, Gates stood up.

"I'm going to get a coffee. Anyone else want something?"

"Water," Abby answered. Ray and Pratt both shook their heads. The moment Gates closed the door, Abby felt the tension in the room evaporate. "You can ask him to leave you know," Abby told Ray. "When it comes to anything involving Neela's treatment, you can pretty much tell any of us what to do." He turned to give her a curious look. "You could cut the air with a knife until the moment he left."

"It's rather nice in here without him," Pratt said, offering his opinion.

"He hasn't pissed me off yet. He can stay a little longer." He tried turning around in his wheelchair.

"Need something, Ray?" Pratt asked.

"Is there a bag on the handle?" Pratt leaned over to look at the back of the chair.

"No."

"Damn it," he mumbled.

"Why?"

"Nothing."

"Ray," Abby warned.

"It had some stuff I wanted," he answered offhandedly.

"More specific," she pried.

"Ibuprofen, but it's fine." Abby nodded. A few minutes later, Gates appeared with his coffee and Abby's water.

"Gates, while you're up," Greg started just as the other man had started to sit down. Gates glared at him. "Get me 600 milligrams of ibuprofen, tablets."

"What am I, your gopher?"

"No, you're an intern," Greg said with an overly happy smile. Gates scoffed, but left the room again. "At least he's useful."

Abby handed the cup of water to Ray.

"I'm ok," he said, holding up his hand, declining her offer.

"I got it for you."

"Why?"

"You kept wetting your lips." Ray looked over at her and gave her a weak smile.

"Thanks." Ray took the cup, finding the water more satisfying than he expected. He put the cup down on the seat between him and Abby. Gates returned with the requested medicine.

"Is there anything else I can get you?" he sneered as he dropped the tablets into Greg's hand.

"Not at the moment. Thanks," Abby said, giving him a stern look. Greg handed the pills to Ray. He nodded in appreciation. "Water?" Abby offered again with a half smile. He accepted her offer and swallowed the pain killers. "You can finish it," she added.

"You had this all planned out didn't you?" Gates scoffed.

"No, actually, which makes all the more amusing," Ray snickered.

"You need to get over yourself," Gates shot back.

"You need to shut the fuck up, or you're leaving!" Ray said forcefully.

"You can't do that," the other man countered. "This is a teaching hospital, I'm observing."

"DPA, Gates," Pratt interjected. "If the family, or in this case, person named in the DPA does not want students or residents observing, we have to respect that wish."

"That's bullshit." Pratt shrugged.

"I didn't make the rules," Ray said coolly.

Two hours later, the four doctors were still watching and waiting for the surgeons to finish.

"My shift was over three hours ago, and I have to pick up Sarah. You might not like me, but I care about Neela. Please tell me if anything happens." Pratt nodded, Abby half-heartedly agreed, and Ray ignored the man completely. "Thanks."

The surgeons continued to explain their procedures, but Abby, Greg and Ray had become so accustomed to the noise, it was as if the room was silent. It was another 25 minutes before anyone broke the silence.

"Ray?" Abby asked tentatively. He looked at her. "What happened?" He shook his head.

"I already told you that's not what I'm here for."

"I know." She sighed. "It was worth a try." She hesitated, then continued, "it explains why you weren't at work." He gave no indication he was still listening to her. "Will you just tell me _when_ it happened?"

"Will you stop asking questions if I do?" Abby nodded. "About an hour after I left your wedding."

"You didn't go straight home?" Greg asked.

"Nope."

"Where'd you go?" Greg questioned.

"Shut up, both of you!" he snapped. "That's not why I'm here. There's a reason I only told three people."

"Three?" He nodded. "Your mom, Katey, and who?" Ray gave her a warning look. "That's my last question. I promise."

"If I tell you, it'll just make you want to ask more," he cautioned. Abby shrugged. He refocused his gaze to the activity on the floor below them. "Her," he said simply. Abby sucked in a sharp breath. He decided to redirect the conversation. "You had offered your apartment, Abby. Can I still take you up on that?"

"Sure." There were a few minutes of silence. "Shouldn't you call your mom to tell her?" He shook his head.

"I don't mean for her to stay there. Just me."

"Can you live by yourself…yet?" Abby was anxious that she would exacerbate the situation, so she asked hesitantly.

"I can do well enough." He knew he was lying. He couldn't get in and out of his wheelchair by himself reliably. The apartment wasn't exactly handicapped-accessible. He had been discharged from the hospital mere hours ago. The fact was he _wanted_ it to be true, so he would do his best to convince everyone, including himself, that he could be on his own.

"Ray," she scolded.

"Abby," he mocked her tone.

"I'm serious. Come stay at Luka's." He shook his head, but silently pleaded that she would persist. "Please Ray." He didn't respond. "Then how about Joe and I stay at my old place tonight too?"

"You're not going to stop, are you?" he asked. Annoyance was creeping into his tone, but somewhere inside, he was very grateful.

"No, I'm not. Come on! I'm sitting up here watching my friend hang on to her life by a thread, with my other friend who disappeared from the face of the earth for three weeks. We were interns together. The two of us were together before Neela decided to rejoin the medical field. Remember?" He nodded, silently admitting that Abby was correct. "Then Howard quit and Neela came and it was just the three of us. What happened to that?"

"Someone told me you didn't like me," he said with a sad smile.

"I didn't. But I took Carter's advice to suck it up and deal with it, because I was going to be with you for the next four years. And I found out that you're not so bad once I got to know you."

"Thanks, I guess."

"So please, let me stay with you."

"Fine," he said complying, not having the energy to argue more.

"I have a shift in 8 hours, so I think I better go. Let me know when she gets out, ok?" Greg said, standing up.

"Of course," Abby replied.

"It's good to see you Ray," Greg said, putting a hand on his shoulder, "really. Bye Abby." Once Greg had left, Ray spoke up.

"Why didn't she change it?"

"What?"

"Her AD. Why am I still her agent?"

"She trusts you."

"I don't get it. It seems like if you're going to marry someone, they should be trustworthy enough to be in your DPA."

"She had a note to change it."

"But the fact remains that she didn't."

"I don't know, Ray. Partly because I don't understand the relationship the two of you have." He scoffed.

"Neither do I." There was another long period of silence. "Did you call her parents?" Ray asked.

"Yeah, kind of." He gave her a curious look. "I called but no one answered, either the work number or the home number. I don't have any other contact information."

"Do you have her cell phone?"

"Neela's?" He nodded. "No, it got smashed. Why?"

"It had her brother's cell phone number in it." The two doctors fell back into a comfortable, albeit anxious, silence. "When I called you and started to ask about Neela, you cut me off." He looked at Abby. "You said you didn't know what Neela had told me, but you didn't want to talk about her. What did you think she'd told me?"

"I don't know. Something about the conversation we had when she visited me today. Just before I left."

"Wait, you've spoken to her?!"

"A little."

"What could she have said that you didn't want me to know?"

"If I don't want you to know, why would I tell you?" he replied. His mischievous smile was dampened by the permanent countenance of anger and pain that he had adopted upon hearing the news about Neela.

"Touché. Why didn't you tell anyone about your accident?"

"Abby," he said, his voice full of tension and restrained frustration, "I already told you that's not what I'm here to talk about. Twice. Three times maybe."

"I know, but you're going to be here a while, I just thought I'd try to converse with you. Get back the old Ray who was always joking and smiling, or at the very least happy to be alive."

"Face it Abby, I'm not the same person. I'll never be that person again." He did his best not to show his agitation.

"You could be," she said confidently.

"Fine," he said, irritated, "but I'm not right now."

After 6 ½ hours in the OR, Neela was finally taken to the SICU. While they waited for authorization to enter, Abby called Pratt, as promised. When they hung up she contemplated calling Gates, but there wasn't really anything to report, so she didn't. She didn't like the effect the man had ultimately had on Neela, nor did she particularly appreciate the unneeded stress his mere presence put on Ray. Greg, on the other hand, reluctantly picked up the phone and called Gates. He reported that Neela was out of surgery, but there wasn't much else to say.

"Well, how'd it go? I mean, were there complications? Did they run into anything unexpected?" Gates asked his string of questions without waiting for answers.

"I don't know," Pratt sighed. "I'm just telling you what Abby told me."

"You left before she got out too?"

"Yeah, I work in a few hours."

"So why didn't Abby call me herself?" Gates asked sourly.

"Her phone was dying," Greg lied. "She asked me to pass along the info."

"Oh, well thanks. Good night." Greg grunted a good bye and hung up, hoping to get back to sleep for a few hours before he had to go to work.

Ray called his mother. He told her that it would probably make the most sense for her to return to Baton Rouge until Neela had regained consciousness, because he couldn't leave Chicago until then. He added that he would be staying the night with Abby, much to the surprise of Jacy. When she mentioned Katey had called and wanted Ray to call back, he cut her off with the curt response, "later." Abby and Ray went into Neela's room once they were permitted.

"Neela, honey, we're here for you, ok? Everyone is," Abby spoke gently to her friend. Abby pushed some hair off Neela's face. "I'll be back in the morning." She turned her attention to Ray. "I'm going to step out for a moment, ok?" He nodded. He assumed she was going to talk to someone, or go to the bathroom, when in actuality, she just wanted to leave the two of them in the room together. She stood outside the room, watching from the window.

Ray wheeled himself up to the bed. She was wearing a watch, which had been pushed up her arm to get it out of the way for the IV, which had been inserted into the back of her hand. The watch wasn't so tight that it could cause a problem, but it didn't sit gently around her wrist like it was supposed to. He slid it down to her wrist, then unbuckled it. He looked at it for a couple of moments, then re-buckled it and slipped it into his pocket.

"I don't forgive you, Neela. I still mean everything I said before. But I do care about you. I want you to get through this. And you will. You made sure I'd have to stick around if anything like this did happen. Whether or not you're regretting that now, I don't know, and probably never will, but that's how it is. I have no choice but to stay with you. And when this is over, you'll be able to remind me why it was worth it." Abby couldn't decide what to make of his words. They were harsh, but honest. The last thing he added though, was unambiguous. "You know that no matter what happens, there will always be a part of me that loves you. You always told me there was a thin line between love and hate, and you are an expert at keeping me balanced on that line." Ray gently kissed the back of her hand. "I'll be back tomorrow," he whispered.

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**Please review! **


	3. The First Night

**Dislaimer: **See chapter 1

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews!

* * *

**Chapter 3: The First Night**

As they walked down the hall, Abby informed Ray that her apartment wasn't far from the L station, and it would actually probably be easier to take the public transportation rather than a taxi. He gave a non-committal response, so Abby made the executive decision to take the L. They were two of three people in the car, the third being a very homeless looking woman who was asleep in the corner. Abby and Ray hadn't spoken since leaving the hospital.

"Are you ever going to tell me what happened?" Abby asked tentatively.

"Sometime, maybe, but not right now, Abby. Today has been utterly exhausting and you don't even know half of it, ok?" She nodded. Abby called Luka's apartment to ask the babysitter to bring Joe to her old apartment. The babysitter happily obliged. It was on her way home anyway. When Ray and Abby got to the apartment, Abby busied herself with cleaning up some, which Neela had been neglecting to do for the past several days. The dishwasher hadn't been run in a while, and clothes scattered all over. Abby couldn't blame her really, Neela had been the only one in the apartment for weeks now. It's not exactly like she was expecting company. It made Ray smile—the dirty dishes in the sink, the couch looking like she had been using it as her personal clothes hamper, all the things she had yelled at him for when they lived together.

He saw that Neela's blue 'insurance, etc.' folder was lying on the table and went over to it. Sitting in the front was the DPA. He looked it over, seeing his name and signature. She hadn't changed her address either, he noted. Apparently, according to this, she still lived with him.

It was 11 PM and neither of them had eaten dinner, so Ray called in an order to the 24-hour Chinese restaurant. The babysitter arrived with a rather cranky Joe. He had been woken up and moved after he was put to bed, which displeased him greatly. The babysitter had left the car seat in her car, and Abby realized there was no place to safely and comfortably put him down. She didn't want to put him on the floor.

"Can you hold Joe for a second, I need to set up this crib, and he rolls so I don't want to put him on the bed or," Ray cut her off.

"Give him to me, Abby," he said with a slight smile. She handed him her baby. Usually when she handed Joe off to someone he wasn't very familiar with, he would start crying. Ray had never held him, but the baby stayed quiet and took great interest in the collar of Ray's shirt, and the five o'clock shadow appearing on his face.

"He's quiet!" Abby said, sounding surprised.

"Yeah," he replied not understanding her reaction.

"He always cries when someone new holds him." Ray shrugged. "Do you wear cologne?"

"No, not usually." He gave her a funny look.

"I was just wondering if maybe you smelled like Luka to him."

"Oh. I doubt it. I think I still smell a bit like the hospital. Though I suppose Luka does a lot too."

"Well, he likes you." Ray smiled, and for the first time that day, Abby thought it looked genuine. Ray held the baby for a while, not particularly playing with him, just holding him. When Abby had finished making up the crib, she came back to the living room and reached out for her son. Ray passed him to her. He started whimpering, and reached back to Ray. "Apparently he likes you more than he likes his mother."

"I doubt that." Ray held his hands out and Abby gave him back the baby. Joe became silent.

"That's kind of scary, Ray." He shrugged, and then returned the baby to his mother. "Do you need a hand with anything? Need a toothbrush?"

"I didn't particularly think this through. I'll call my mom and have her bring some of my stuff over."

"That's silly. I've got extra stuff here, and I'm sure Luka left some clothes around here somewhere. I'd imagine you and Luka wear the same size. Your mom can bring your stuff to the hospital tomorrow, and not have to take the L all the way here."

"Ok, ok."

"Do you need…assistance…with anything? Getting into bed?"

"The couch is a little lower than a normal bed, but I think I can manage."

"Would a higher bed be easier?" He hesitated.

"Probably, but that's ok."

"No, it's fine. Use my bed. It's not like I've been using it recently." He gave her a doubtful look. "Seriously." He nodded. "Let me know if you need anything. I'm going to try to put Joe down over there," she nodded in the direction of the crib she had set up in the corner of the room.

"I'll keep the volume down," he said as he turned on the television, as an attempt to clear his mind before trying to sleep. His cell phone vibrated, alerting him to a text message.

_From: Katey  
u still up?  
12:07am 5/18/07_

He groaned, but knew he had to have this conversation sometime. He figured why not get it over with now? Instead of responding to the text message, he moved himself into the bedroom then scrolled down his phone book to her name and pressed 'send.'

"So I guess that means you are still up?" Katey answered the call with a hint of laughter.

"Yeah," he answered shortly.

"I was wondering if you'd rather stay here with me than with your mom at the hotel," Katey asked suggestively.

"I'm not with my mom."

"You got your own room?" she asked, surprised, knowing he was not yet completely independent.

"Yeah, I have my own room, but it's not at the hotel."

"Where the hell are you?"

"Abby's."

"Why?"

"Because it's where I want to be," he said, getting agitated.

"Why don't you come over here?"

"I'm not doing this right now, Katey."

"Alright, Ray, I get it. Neela is the love of your life, she's perfect, she's everything you ever wanted," she listed off sarcastically.

"You're putting words into my mouth," though, he admitted to himself, her words _were_ dead-on accurate.

"I'm not saying we should get married. I'm just saying I could take your mind off things."

"No. Look, I appreciate all that you did for me. I truly and honestly do, but we're still over."

"Then why'd you call _me_ when you got hurt, huh? You knew other people at County long before you knew me."

"Yeah, I did, and I thought about calling one of them."

"After everything she did, you were going to call Neela?"

"No."

"Who then?"

"Abby," he shouted. Abby came rushing into the room.

"Are you ok?" she asked, worry evident in her voice. He smiled.

"Hang on," he said into the phone quickly, before addressing Abby, "I'm talking _about_ you, not _to_ you. Sorry."

"Well, you scared the crap out of me. I didn't know you were on the phone."

"Sorry." She shrugged and left, pulling the door closed behind her. It didn't quite shut all the way.

"So why didn't you call her?"

"She has Joe." The name of her son caught Abby's attention, and she suddenly became very interested in who he was talking to on the phone. As much as her curiosity was biting at her, she decided to give Ray his privacy, and returned to Joe in the dimly lit corner of the living room.

"So someone else? Why not Pratt or Morris?" Katey asked.

"Pratt and Morris are attendings. If I called one of them it'd be pretty detrimental to the department. They were already down an R3, and are perpetually short staffed."

"You put the priorities of the hospital above your own friendships and comfort?"

"Yeah, I guess. And I thought you would be able to help me without the complications that would have been caused by one of the other people."

"So I was just a convenience." Her question came out as a statement.

"No, you were very helpful, and I deeply appreciate it, but I called you as a friend."

Abby returned to the door, listening for a moment so she wouldn't interrupt something really important. She had forgotten to get a pillow out of the closet in the bedroom.

"So we're just friends?" she asked acidly.

"Yes. I don't love you. I never have." Abby decided this was not the best time, and returned to the couch sans pillow. "I care about you. You are a good person. But I don't love you."

"You can be really pathetic you know that?"

"Fuck off, Katey. I do not need this right now," Ray spoke loud enough that Abby heard him. She grimaced. This was not a pleasant conversation. Abby felt sorry for him, especially after the day he had.

"Do you realize how much I have done for you in the past two weeks?"

"Yes! I do! But I thought you were doing it because you were my friend!" There was a tense moment of silence. "Good night Katey. I need to go to bed." Abby figured the conversation was over, so she got up and went to the door again.

"Fine. I don't get you. I'll talk to you later." Before Ray could respond, she hung up. He sighed loudly. Abby knocked softly on the door.

"Ray?" she asked.

"Yeah, come in," he said off-handedly. Abby stepped into the room.

"I just forgot to get a pillow." She pulled a fluffy pillow out of the top of the closet. "Need anything while I'm in here? Another blanket?"

"No, I'm good."

"Need a hand moving over?" She focused her gaze on his chair, then the bed, and the back to his chair. He didn't answer right away. "If anyone asks, I'll say you did it all by yourself," she said with a small smile, "with no help at all." He nodded, resigned. He knew he couldn't do it on his own, but didn't want to admit it. She helped him slowly but surely maneuver himself onto the bed. Once she saw that he was settled, she started to leave the room. She paused at the doorway. "I have to be in by 10:30 tomorrow."

"Thanks Abby," he said softly. She smiled. "For everything."

"You're a loyal friend." She looked at him for a moment, then left the room, pulling the door shut behind her.

He lay back in the bed. The scent of Neela enveloped him. When they lived together his sheets smelled like her laundry detergent, because she did his wash with some frequency. It was a trade off, Neela did laundry, Ray vacuumed the floor and cleaned the bathroom…usually. But this was different. This smelled like her soap, and her shampoo and conditioner, and her perfume. It smelled like _her_, not just her detergent. He sighed. For the first time in weeks, he was lying in a comfortable bed, surrounded by familiar smells, without the incessant beeping of monitors and footsteps of passing doctors and nurses. This was going to be even harder than he thought. While being comforted by familiarity, it was that same familiarity that confused him further. He was sleeping in her room, or at least the room she was using, he was named in her DPA, and yet they had barely spoken in weeks.

When he'd agreed to be Neela's agent it was back when they had a real friendship, and things weren't so complicated. He didn't really know if she'd changed her mind on any of the procedures since they'd talked about it. He thought back to the conversations they had about it.

"_You know that guy whose family was arguing over whether or not he should be on the vent?" Neela asked Ray over dinner._

"_Yeah."_

"_It made me think." There were a few moments of silence._

"_About what?" he prompted._

"_Advance directives."_

"_You don't have one?" he asked, surprised._

"_You do?" she said taken aback._

"_Yeah. I've got a living will."_

"_I need to look into that. Wait, a living will? Why not a durable power of attorney?"_

"_When I wrote it there wasn't anyone I was willing to name."_

"_Oh. I think I'm going to do a DPA."_

"_You might want to talk to the person before you put that kind of responsibility on them. It's a serious thing."_

"_Just because I don't have one doesn't mean I don't know about them. I know I need to talk to the person first." She paused. "I am. Right now."_

"_Me?"_

"_Yeah. Can I name you?" _

"_I don't know, Neela, I'm sorry."_

"_That's ok. Can I ask why?"_

"_I don't think I could make a decision that would allow you to die."_

"_But you know what I want and don't want."_

"_Yeah, but in the moment…I think I'd want them to do anything to keep you here."_

"_Ok. I respect that. I disagree, but ok."_

"_What do you mean you disagree?"_

"_I just think that you would be able to use your discretion."_

"_Can I think about it?"_

"_Sure."_

_-o-_

_A few days later, he approached Neela. She was sitting on the couch reading a book. He sat on the coffee table, but didn't say anything._

"_Is there something I can help you with?" Neela asked with a smile._

"_Yeah." He paused. "Here's the thing. The fact that you trust me enough to name me in your AD means a lot to me." She nodded. "You realize though, that it means I can go against the wishes of every other person you know, right? Even if your parents wanted something done, or not done, you would have given me the authority to not comply."_

"_I know. That's the point. They're next of kin. If I wanted them to make decisions, I'd get a living will." Ray nodded slowly._

"_Ok. I'll do it." She smiled at him._

"_I'll let you know when I have it written up, because you'll have to sign it, ok?" He nodded._

"_Ok."_

They had spent many nights discussing the contents of Neela's advance directive. No one of them was ever a very long discussion, since it was a slightly depressing subject, coming up with all the situations where her life lay on the line. Neither of them ever thought these situations would materialize. There was one conversation that kept coming back to him tonight though.

"_What if something happened and they put you on a vent because they thought you'd recover, and then you don't. How long would you want to stay on it?" he asked._

"_I suppose it depends on the situation."_

"_Say you had surgery and they expected you'd be off the vent in two weeks, but at the end of two weeks you're still dependent on it. How long would it be before you'd want them to take you off it?"_

"_A month maybe? I think that's the kind of thing that would have to be decided on a case by case basis."_

"_I know. But, what if I made the wrong choice?"_

"_I trust that you'd make the best decision based on the situation at hand."_

He had drawn up his first advance directive when he turned eighteen. It was a simple DNR. Two years into med-school he altered it to a living will. After his accident, he'd called his lawyer. He wanted to go back to DNR. He was told they could make an appointment when he was back in Louisiana.

Ray tossed and turned in the bed, unable to get comfortable. Eventually he gave up on sleep and sat up and turned on the light. He looked around the room. The pictures on the walls were obviously Abby's, but that was the only indication that this was not actually Neela's room. The dresser top had all of her things on it—lotions, perfumes, jewelry, make up; the clothes scattered all around were hers. The stack of reading material next to the bed was signature Neela—_Trauma Annals_, _Newsweek_, and the occasional guilty indulgence of _People_ magazine. The thing that stuck him most though was her bedside table. There was an ashtray that didn't look like it had ever been used, filled with change. Next to the ashtray was a small pile of receipts and notes to herself, the top one reading 'get milk and brown sugar.' There was the table lamp and two framed pictures, one mostly covering the other. He was surprised to find the one of her and Michael's first kiss as a married couple was the picture being occluded by another. The other picture, again was a picture of her and a man, but the man was him. He was pretty sure he remembered having that picture taken. It was at the celebration for the groundbreaking of The Joshua Carter Center financed by Dr. Carter. Neela was in a floor length deep blue dress, cut low enough to be sexy, but entirely decent for a work related function. He was wearing a black suit, with a not quite all the way buttoned white shirt. The two of them were both fairly intoxicated and were not exactly acting their normal selves. Ray found it curious that she chose this picture to keep by her bed. In the picture, they were dancing, his arms wrapped around the small of her back, and her hands wrapped around his neck. She was leaning back slightly, in order to look him in the face and they were both laughing. He studied the picture, taking in every detail. She looked so small in his arms, he was significantly taller and broader than her. He took the back off the frame to see if there was a date on the back. Sure enough, in Neela's sloppy doctor handwriting, it read _Groundbreaking reception for The Joshua Carter Ctr., me and my Ray_. He swallowed hard as he read the second half of the caption. _My Ray_.

He lay back trying to figure out where it all went wrong. He decided it was sometime before she moved out. Somewhere along the line they stopped telling each other anything, right at the point that they should have told the other everything. He slipped the back of the frame back into place. When he leaned down to pick up one of the various pieces of reading material on the floor, something else caught his eye. He grabbed a book off the bottom shelf of her bedside table. It was a photo album. The first several pages were of her family and friends in high school. There were several more pages that were from college. The last 2/3 of the album was pictures of people at County at various functions—more pictures from Carter's reception, pictures of birthday celebrations at Ike's, nights on the town with 'The Girls,' nights she and Ray went out with his band, nights it was just the two of them, and various other pictures. She was in a lot of the pictures, not surprisingly, since it was her photo album, and she rarely took pictures. These were almost entirely photos other people had taken and given to her. He couldn't help but notice that there were a lot of the two of them, and in every single one he had his arm around her waist or at the very least her shoulders. They were always closer together than she was with Greg, or Luka, or Morris or even Michael, except of course in the pictures from her wedding. Ray had kept his distance that night.

There was an envelope in the back of the album of pictures that she hadn't put in yet. The front read _Sam's pictures_. The picture that was the most striking was from that pile. She was wearing scrubs, he had on jeans and a t-shirt. They were sitting next to each other on a couch, with Neela on his right. She was leaning on his chest, her eyes closed. He had his right arm wrapped around her, and she was holding his hand with her left hand, allowing his arm to curl around her waist. Her right hand was dangerously high on his thigh. His head was propped up by his left hand, but tilted down looking at her. He flipped it over, wondering if the occasion was written on this photo too. _Me and Ray. Bad day in the ER._ Try as he might, he couldn't remember the day. He looked at the pictures around it in the pile, hoping to get a context. There was one of Abby playfully punching Luka. On the back it read _lover's spat, but not really_. The next was a semi-flattering picture of Neela, with the caption_ Me, when Sam was on her 'candid spree.'_ Another photo apparently from the same day was of Abby, Sam and Neela. It wasn't a particularly good picture. Its caption was _Sam's first shot at taking a picture with the timer. (Save this, it's a first!)_ That gave Ray all the context he needed. It was the day Sam got her new camera. He didn't remember having his picture taken with Neela because they didn't know they were being photographed. He sighed heavily, and decided that was enough for one night. He turned off the light and eventually fell into a fitful sleep.

* * *

This chapter was pretty long--too long? Or ok? The last part is kind of dense but the details come into play later. 

Please review--good, bad, or indifferent!


	4. At The Bedside

**Disclaimer**: See chapter 1**  
**

**A/N: **As always, thanks for the reviews!

A couple people commented on/PM'd me about CPR being useless without defibrillation. This is not entirely accurate (I checked with a practicing physician!), and there will be further explanation in the next chapter.

And as a side note, I had misunderstood the timetable of the show. I now realize this would have been about 6 days after Ray's accident, while I was thinking it was 14+, which is why I have him able to move as much and as independently as he can…

* * *

**Chapter 4: At The Bedside**

The next morning Abby woke Ray at 9 AM. After several unsuccessful attempts, he finally accepted her offers of both assistance in getting back into his wheelchair and an ibuprofen. The beginning of breakfast was almost silent, except for Joe's gurgles, and occasional squeals.

"Why did Katey answer your phone?" Abby asked finally as she fed Joe.

"What?" Ray had been only half paying attention, lost in his own thoughts.

"Yesterday, when I called. Why'd Katey pick up?"

"She was sitting next to me in the waiting area." Joe made noise, upset that his mother had turned her attention from him. He smacked his hand down on the tray of the highchair, splattering Abby's shirt with baby food. Abby sighed, and turned her focus back to her son, but continued her conversation with Ray.

"Waiting area?"

"Yeah, at the airport, mom was checking the baggage."

"Katey was going home with you?"

"No, she was just taking me to the airport. Seeing us off."

"Oh, right, sorry. I thought the two of you were over?"

"Abby, my statement from yesterday still stands. I'm not talking about this."

"Give me a break Ray!" She turned away from Joe again. Her frustration was evident not only in her voice but in her face too. "I understand that this horrible, life changing thing happened to you, but I thought we were friends. I thought you were friends with a lot of people in the ER, but the person you call when you're in trouble is your ex whom you've known for less than half the time you've known all of us? That's weird. I don't understand it. I don't understand what happened with us. Sure, Neela moved upstairs, but I thought it would still be the three of us together. But apparently not. You don't turn to either of us in an emergency, yet Neela names _you_ in her AD. When did this get so complicated?"

"April 29, 2006," he answered decisively.

"What?" Abby responded, surprised that he had such a specific and immediate answer.

"The day Michael died, and she pushed me away. I thought after everything between us, if there was one person that she would allow to comfort her it would be me. But it wasn't, and the more I tried the more she pushed me away."

"Much like you are doing to me now."

"Oh, Abby, do _not_ start. Do not make this about me."

"It _is_ about you."

"It's about Neela, and my relationship with her."

"Fine, we'll broach this subject later." He glared at her, silently saying 'no, we won't.' "She was distraught," Abby continued, returning to the subject of Neela.

"That's my point. She trusts _me_ to make decisions that can decide whether she lives or dies, but I can't comfort her? Yeah, that's where it got complicated," he said sourly. "And it all went downhill from there."

"I'm sorry this all had to happen this way," Abby said sincerely.

"Yeah, me too," he replied stiffly. "Are you about ready to go?" Abby nodded.

"Can you just watch Joe for a sec while I change my shirt?" Ray nodded, and instead of keeping an eye on Joe in his highchair, Ray picked him up. He held him under the arms and let the boy stand on his thighs. The baby reached out to Ray's face, his little hand ultimately coming in contact with Ray's mouth.

"Thanks little man, I've been dying to taste your breakfast all morning," he told the boy sarcastically, but in good humor. He sat the baby on his lap and grabbed a few napkins to wipe off Joe's face and hands. Abby had finished gathering her things, but hovered in the doorway watching Ray with her son. Ray looked truly happy and Joe was giggling. Abby smiled. She didn't want to break their moment. "You miss your daddy? A little man to man contact? I hear ya buddy. But your daddy's coming back, right?" Joe giggled and clapped his hands. "Yeah, my thoughts exactly." Ray turned toward the direction Abby had gone. "Are you ready yet?" he asked, his tone a little harsher than he intended.

"Yeah."

"How long have you been standing there?"

"A few seconds. He probably does miss a little man to man contact," she chuckled. The babysitter came within a few minutes, and then Ray and Abby left.

-o-

With only a little difficulty, Ray and Abby took the L back to the hospital. Ray found public transportation to be frustratingly difficult in his new condition, but continued to refuse help. When they arrived, again Ray avoided the ER, and headed straight to the SICU. Lucien Dubenko was at Neela's side when Ray came in. Ray was surprised to see the other man, and Dubenko was surprised to see Ray in his present state.

"She's doing well. This is of course a critical period, but you know that," the surgeon reported. Ray nodded, but remained silent. "I guess I'll leave now." Ray nodded again.

"Is there any way to lower the bed a little?"

"Sure." Dubenko walked to the side of the bed, pressing a lever with his foot, which allowed the bed to drop several inches.

"Thanks." Dubenko nodded and then started to leave. "Wait," Ray said suddenly. Dubenko paused. "What about her hands?" Ray received a curious look. "I forgot to check yesterday. They're not cast, so I presume there are no broken bones, but are there any significant bruises?" Dubenko shook his head, still with a slightly confused expression. Slowly a smile spread across his face, knowingly.

"Why do you ask?"

"You can't be a surgeon without steady hands." Dubenko nodded in agreement.

"I'm impressed," he said, "you're the first person who considered that. I must admit even I didn't think of it. I'm more focused on getting her out of her coma first."

"She'll wake up," he said with more confidence than he felt. "You gotta believe she'll wake up." Dubenko studied Ray for a moment, then left. Once the other man left, Ray moved close to Neela's side. "I don't get you Neela," he whispered. "Why are we like this? I'm named in your durable power of attorney and you have a picture of us on your night table, but we haven't really talked in so long. How'd we end up like this? Huh?" He tucked a little hair behind her ear. He leaned on his arms, folded on the edge of the bed. "I don't know what happened. I don't get it," a hint of despair was crawling into his voice.

Abby watched from the door again. When she saw Ray had stopped talking, she stepped in, startling Ray.

"Do you need anything, Ray?" He shook his head. "No more ibuprofen? You only had one this morning. Nothing?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Will you tell me if you do need something? Please?"

"Yes, Abby. Relax." She sat on a stool near the head of Neela's bed.

"And just thought I'd warn you. There's company coming. And not the good kind."

"I'm not moving just yet. If he wants to come in, fine, let him, but he's going to have to deal with the fact that I'm here, and I'm not taking any of his shit." Abby nodded. Soon after, Dr. Gates walked in.

"Am I allowed in here?" he sneered.

"Not if you keep up with that attitude," Abby replied coldly. Gates scoffed.

"How's she doing?"

"Dubenko said she's doing well," Ray replied, not looking away from the woman on the bed in front of him.

"Any details?"

"I didn't ask." Then he added quickly, "except her hands. I asked about her hands. They're fine." Abby gave him a look of confusion, then understanding dawned on her and she smiled.

"She's in a coma, and you ask about her _hands_?" Gates asked rudely.

"I can't let myself believe anything except that she'll wake up," Abby said. "So beyond that, yeah, the next most important things are her hands." Gates still didn't understand. "A surgeon has to have steady hands." Gates rolled his eyes.

"I think we should focus on her waking up first," he sneered.

"But I'm not her doctor," Ray continued answering Abby's question, ignoring Gates. "I'm her friend right now." Abby was surprised at his answer. She expected that he would want to know every detail possible. She sure wanted to know. And the definition of the term 'friend' had become a point of contention when used for Ray and Neela's relationship.

What he had said wasn't the whole truth. The fact was, there were no choices to be made at the present time, and he didn't think he could bear to hear much more than he already knew just yet.

"I am going to go ask. Because I _do_ want to know," Abby said, standing up. Ray nodded. Just before she left, Ray spoke up.

"I've actually changed my mind. Another four hundred?" he asked. She smiled.

"Sure. Anything else?" He shook his head.

"Four hundred what?" Gates asked once she left. Ray ignored him. "Hey, come on, man, I know you don't like me, you've made that more than obvious. But you have to deal with the fact that I care about her too, ok? I want to be here for her."

"Fine," Ray said offhandedly. "But I'm not here to make conversation, or make amends. I am here because I promised her that I would make the necessary decisions if something like this ever happened." Gates nodded. "And you're going to have to deal with the fact that I am going to be here until she is deemed well enough to make informed decisions." Gates nodded again.

"I know. That's my point. We're going to have to deal with each other. I'm suggesting we call somewhat of a truce. We're both here for _her_. Let's not make it about us."

"Really, Gates, I don't give a fuck about what you think or what you do as long as you understand that I make every fucking decision about her care," he said sharply. "If I tell you to leave, you leave. If I tell them not to shock her if she arrests, you will not argue. If I say anything at all, you will not fight me on it." Gates nodded slowly.

"You're really being a prick about this you know?"

"Get out. Now."

"You're abusing your authority. You're acting like this because you don't like me."

"You know, you're right. I don't like you, but it's not because of your attitude, though that doesn't help, nor is it because of your asinine comments, which also don't help. It's because you changed her. She was a much better person before you came along. She changed my life." He paused a moment to control the anger boiling up inside him. "And then she got so twisted up in your fucked up little world," he spat, "that she became something totally different from the girl who lived with me."

"You lived together?"

"Yeah, you know the roommate who never tried to sleep with her? Well, hi, nice to meet you, the name's Ray Barnett." He extended his hand as if he were offering it to shake, but he immediately retracted it, and Gates never reached for him. "Now get out. You can come back when you're ready to stop whining and act like an adult. I'm the one she chose to make these decisions. Get over it."

"Me act like an adult? Look in the mirror. You're the one acting like a child, Ray."

"Is that what you want to hear? I'm being immature about it? Fine. But right now you need to leave. I will be gone between 2 and 6. Come back then." Gates gave Ray a dirty look, but did leave the room. Ray dropped his head to the bed again. He spoke again after several minutes of silence. "Neela," he whispered, "I know I've been wrong. I know I haven't dealt with things in the most mature way. But I know how to do this. I will do this right, ok? I will leave when you wake up, and we both know I have to, but not forever, right?" He took her hand in his. It felt slightly cold, and he held it until it warmed up slightly, and he put it gently back on the bed. Shortly thereafter, Abby returned to the room.

"So you sent him away?" she asked, with a knowing smile.

"Yeah. It may not have been in the most mature way, but the guy gets to me."

"I know. Here's your meds." She handed him a couple of pills and a cup of water, then returned to the stool at the head of Neela's bed.

"Thanks." He threw the pills in his mouth, took a gulp of water and set the cup aside.

"I asked Dubenko about her surgery, and everything. I know we were listening to the procedures, but do you want to hear about it?"

"I don't know. Do I?"

"The actual surgery went well." Abby absentmindedly stroked her friend's hair, which was splayed somewhat haphazardly on the bed. "There was a lot of damage, which meant they had to go slowly, but everything was basically ok. She lost a little blood, but not enough to cause problems. And her scar will be big. They had to make a large incision in order to avoid messing with delicate injured areas. They expect her to be on the vent for two weeks." Ray cut her off before she could continue.

"Stop, stop," he said suddenly. _I trust that you'd make the best decision based on the situation at hand._ Her voice ran through his mind. The same line over and over. He wished he'd pressed her more for an answer that night. This is exactly what he was asking about. This very situation. He held his head in his hands, trying to gather himself back up.

"Ray. Are you ok? You're starting to hyperventilate."

"I'm fine, I'm fine, I just need…I just need a second." After a few moments of silence, he looked back at Abby. "Sorry. Bit of a flashback." She looked at him uncertainly. "Do you have more to report?" She hesitated before continuing.

"She's recovering as expected. It'll be slow, but things are looking good." He nodded slowly.

"Have you gotten in contact with her parents?" Ray asked after a while.

"No. They are still not answering at home and according to the person who answers at their restaurant, I keep just missing them."

"Go figure."

"I need to get downstairs now, or Moretti is going to throw a shit fit." Her unnaturally crude comment coaxed the slightest smile from Ray. "I'm already late."

-o-

A few hours later, Ray reluctantly left to get to his physical therapy appointment on another floor of the hospital. Soon after he left, Gates made his way into Neela's room. The man sat there for a long time in silence.

"Which one of us are you playing, Neela?" he asked viciously. "At work you said we were over, but you know that's not true. And why do you still have Ray named in your DPA? Does he even know you anymore?" Gates shook his head in frustration. He was quiet for a while longer, then he felt his pager vibrate. It was the ER, and he grudgingly went down.

When the various ER doctors and nurses had a bit of a break, they went up to visit Neela. Ray had requested that Abby pass along the message that he didn't want to see anyone, so if all the visiting could be done between 2 and 6 he'd appreciate it. This, of course, roused suspicions in the ER. Morris decided it was evidence there was some secret relationship between Ray and Neela. Pratt and Abby bit their tongues, not letting anyone else know about Ray's accident. Katey was still floating around the hospital on various rounds, and she started acting like she'd never met any of the ER staff. They all reciprocated by brushing her off as well. Gates would try to drop little hints about Ray to other coworkers, but every time Abby or Pratt would catch him and shut him up. Finally, Dr. Moretti pulled Abby and Greg aside.

"What the hell is going on?" he demanded.

"What?" asked Abby, completely confused. "I thought you said that even though the guy in curtain 3 was loud, he wasn't supposed to get any morphine yet."

"No that's not what I'm talking about. That's correct, he's not, but I'm talking about all the whispers around here about a doctor who used to work here."

"Oh," Greg said, suddenly understanding. "Ray Barnett. Yeah, he was an R3."

"Why is he on everyone's tongues? Even the interns are distracted by it. How am I supposed to run an ER when everyone is hung up on someone who's not here?"

"It's not really that simple," Abby started to explain.

"It can't be that complicated," he sneered. Abby and Greg looked at each other with a half smile.

"Oh but it is," Greg said knowingly.

"Well then tell me doctors, because this is ridiculous."

"I was one of 3 interns when I started. Suffice it to say I am the only one whose life hasn't been moments away from over in the past month. Not to mention the fact that Ray and Neela were best friends, and their relationship was severely complicated by Neela's marriage to Michael, his death and then her relationship with Gates. Michael's dead. Of the other three, I would put my life of the line for two of them, and neither of them are Gates. Yet Gates is the only one who has come out unscathed. In this entire ER, the lives of the R2s, 3s, 4s, and attendings are so woven together that messing with one of us affects everyone else as if it were your own blood. That's why we don't want to take your shit. That's why we work well together. That's why we're all affected by Neela's coma and Ray's amputations." When Abby finished, Moretti was silent for a moment.

"And that's where your problem lies. You are all one big happy family that can't function when there is the slightest ripple."

"That's also why we can run a trauma so smoothly, Moretti" Pratt started, "because we know how everyone works. Nurses know to prepare things before the physician asks for them. Maybe you don't like how close we are, but that's how we roll around here and you're going to have to deal with it."

-o-

That evening when Ray was returning to Neela's room from PT, he passed Katey. She was leaving for the day. They made eye contact as they passed each other, but didn't say anything. Once they had passed, Katey sighed and reconsidered.

"Ray?" she said, turning around. He turned and looked at her, but did not say anything. "I don't understand what happened in the last few days, but I've gotten to the point where I don't really care. I do have to tell you though that I don't hate her."

"Good. You have no reason to."

"Yes I do. She changed you. Not in a good way. She is a good doctor, but I don't like how she's treated you."

"It's much more complicated than you realize. I don't like it either, but she's…it says something that I'm in her DPA and her husband wasn't, doesn't it?"

"Then what the hell was up with you two? I asked both of you what the deal was, but you both denied there was anything. Yet, she is the object of much of your attention, and she practically hates me because I'm with you."

"Let's not do this in the hall, please."

"You're just avoiding it. Again."

"No," he said sternly, "I am specifically _not _avoiding it, I'd just rather do it somewhere that's not so public."

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Please review! 


	5. Family vs DPA

**Disclaimer**: See chapter 1...**  
**

**A/N: **A couple people commented on the fact that the success rate of CPR without defibrillation is basically zero. However, sometimes CPR, when used with the appropriate drugs, **can** fix an abnormal rhythm. It's a weird stipulation for Neela to put in her AD, but I needed something for the family to fight about, without getting too technical!

Thanks for the reviews, you all are awesome!

* * *

Previously:  
"_Let's not do this in the hall, please."_  
"_You're just avoiding it. Again."_  
"_No," he said sternly, "I am specifically _not_ avoiding it, I'd just rather do it somewhere that's not so public."_

* * *

**Chapter 5: Family vs DPA**

"Fine. I presume you were on your way to her room?" He nodded. "Then let's go." Katey and Ray went into Neela's room. She stood with her arms crossed, glaring at him.

"Sit," he commanded, nodding to a stool. She sat. "Neela is my friend."

"That's what you keep saying, but actions speak louder than words."

"Shut up and listen to me," he said caustically. She was taken aback by his tone. "She's the first person I've ever known that I would really call my best friend."

"Your band mates?" Katey offered, in a surly voice.

"Not the same. I hung out with them, sure. We had fun. But that was it really. She's the closest thing I've had to family. I want to protect that."

"What about your mom?"

"You met her. You saw our interactions. You think we get along? Seriously?"

"Your dad?"

"Haven't spoken to him since graduation."

"Siblings?"

"Don't have any. Grandparents?" he preempted, "Dead. Aunts, uncles, cousins? Never met any." With each question he got louder and more frustrated.

"You don't really have her anymore though, either."

"I have some part of her, if I'm the one here making decisions about whether she lives or dies."

"You're dishonest and misleading. I thought you cared about me, but apparently I was just another acquaintance."

"I didn't say that."

"You don't say anything!"

"Katey, you're a risk taker. If you try something and fail, you'll still try again. I'm not like that, ok? I'm pretty fucking good at putting up a front. I've been doing it for 29 years. The one time I let my guard down…" he let his voice trail off.

"Was with her," Katey finished for him. "I get that Ray, but it doesn't mean you can't have other friends. It doesn't mean you can't at the very least say, 'hey Katey, it's been fun, but don't think anything of it.'"

"And how would you have felt if I did say that? You'd have been pissed off. And that's what I'm trying to say, I don't do that. If I was the least bit competent in defining any relationship in my life, you think I'd be here like this? I fucked up, and I get that. I'm sorry if you are affected because of it, but she's what I've got." Katey was quiet. "I _do_ care about you. And we _did_ have fun, but I don't love you."

"You love _her_," she said flatly.

"Yeah," he said simply. "I do."

"I don't get you, Ray. I thought I did, but I don't. I hope you figure some shit out, because if you don't you're in for a lifetime of disappointment."

"Well, I appreciate the support," he said sarcastically. "We've both made mistakes," he said more seriously, "but see, the difference between you and me? You've got someone to fall back on. I don't."

"Abby? Pratt? Morris?"

"Professional relationships."

"With Abby? You're living with her."

"She helping me because I'm here for Neela."

"I need to go. I've got to get back to my rounds," she said coldly. She stood up and left. Ray returned to Neela's bedside until Abby dragged him home that night.

-o-

Every day was the same. Abby would bring Ray in by 9 AM and he'd be in Neela's room until 1:45, at which point he went to physical therapy for four hours. By 6:15 he was back in Neela's room. At 10 Ray would reluctantly let Abby take him back to the apartment. He only ate because Abby made him breakfast and they gave him food at PT, telling him he'd pass out if he didn't eat. He put no effort into seeking out food.

-o-

"I finally reached the Rasgotras," Abby announced over breakfast on the third morning.

"Finally."

"They are coming soon, the day after tomorrow, I think."

-o-

Abby met Neela's parents at the airport. She helped them get a hotel room, where they stayed the night. In the morning, Abby and Ray met up with the Rasgotras at the L station. When they got to the SICU, Dubenko approached Ray with a serious looking face.

"Something the matter?" Ray asked.

"Well, through the night, Neela was having some abnormal heart rhythms. Nothing serious, and nothing that didn't correct itself on its own, but I wanted to confirm that she _does_ want CPR but she does _not_ want defibrillation, is that correct?"

"Yes that is correct."

"No! You will do whatever it takes to fix her heart," Ajay Rasgotra ordered.

"I'm sorry, but Ray has to make this decision."

"We are her _parents_, doctor," Mrs. Rasgotra explained urgently to Dr. Dubenko.

"I'm sorry. Neela expressed her wishes that Dr. Barnett would make all medically related decisions in an event such as this," Dubenko said calmly.

"I am her father!"

"I'm sorry sir, that does not matter in a case like this," Dubenko said professionally.

"Why would she not want it?" Mrs. Rasgotra asked accusingly.

"_You're not DNR, so you'd want CPR, right?" Ray asked._

"_Yeah, but no shocks."_

"_No defibrillation? Really?" He was surprised by her answer._

"_No. That's like forcing the body to restart. If asking doesn't work, don't force it. CPR is like asking it."_

"_Interesting way to look at it."_

"_If the heart goes out of rhythm enough that it needs to be shocked, that's it."_

"_You know it's pretty rare for CPR to work without," he started, but Neela cut him off._

"_I'm a doctor too, Ray, thanks. If pressure drops or there is an abnormal rhythm that can be fixed with drugs and CPR, fine, do it. If not, that's the body wanting to die."_

"_One shock could be the difference between life and death."_

"_I know. I watch it every day, Ray. But I'm not talking about a patient on the table, I'm talking about me."_

"_If something happened to you, and we shocked your heart once, five years later it would probably be impossible to know that anything had ever happened."_

"_I am willing to let science try to fix me, not electricity."_

"_They're one in the same in this case."_

"_No, they're not. If my heart doesn't respond to drugs and CPR, I think that's my body saying it wants to die," she said with finality._

"_Ok."_

"She thinks that would be the natural end," Ray said hesitantly. "If CPR and drugs don't work, that's the body wanting to die." He swallowed hard. "Abby, can I talk to you for a second?" Abby walked over to him. They moved to the side of the hall.

"What?" Abby asked curiously.

"Not allowing defibrillation might kill her."

"No," Abby countered, "precision in language, Ray. It might let her die. That's what she wants."

"We restart patients' hearts all the time."

"You can't think of her as your patient. She is your friend, asking you to make the right choice." He nodded.

"Ok." They returned to Dr. Dubenko and the Rasgotras.

"Are we all set then?" the surgeon asked. Ray nodded.

"CPR is allowed, defibrillation is not," Ray confirmed. Dubenko nodded and walked away.

"What gives you the right to make decisions about our daughter?" Ajay asked Ray harshly.

"She does. In her advance directive," Abby tried to explain gently. Ajay scoffed.

"Ajay, let's go see her," Mrs. Rasgotra suggested firmly to her husband. The Rasgotras went into Neela's room, leaving Ray and Abby out in the hall.

"Gee, what a great introduction to her parents," Ray sighed. Abby put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"You're doing the right thing."

"Thanks," he said, only sort of meaning it.

"I have to go actually do work, unless you need anything." He shook his head. "Let me know if you do." He nodded. "Everyone would really love to see you, you know."

"I can't do that yet." Abby nodded.

"Then I'll see you at 10. Good luck with your PT."

"Yup, thanks."

After an hour, her parents exited Neela's room, and addressed Ray, who was sitting in the hall, waiting to go in.

"We are going to stay for a few days, but since we aren't allowed to have any say in our daughter's life," Mr. Rasgotra said bitterly, "we will not stay here long. I trust you will keep us updated."

"Yes, I will," Ray answered solemnly. "Know that Neela and I discussed situations like this at great length. I am passing on her wishes. I am not fulfilling my own." Mr. Rasgotra looked at him doubtfully. "If I had my say, I would allow defibrillation. But she doesn't want it." The other man nodded.

"We are going back to our hotel now," Ajay said shortly. "Here is the number at the hotel, and here is our contact information."

"I will call you if there are any changes at all."

"Any changes," Mr. Rasgotra said firmly.

"Even if it's just her room number," Ray offered an example of the most mundane detail that could change. Ajay nodded. The Rasgotras started to walk away. "Oh!" Ray exclaimed, "Mr. Rasgotra?" The man turned to look at Ray. "Would you like my cell phone number in case you have any questions or anything?" Ajay nodded hesitantly. His wife retrieved a pen and paper from her purse, and Ray quickly wrote down his number. Mrs. Rasgotra smiled warmly, silently thanking Ray. Ajay walked away briskly and Ray wheeled himself into Neela's room.

-o-

The Rasgotras stayed in Chicago for four days. If Ray wasn't in Neela's room, they were. Occasionally, all three of them were there, but that tended to be tense and Ray usually ended up leaving. No one except Ray ever dared to venture into Neela's room while her parents were there. Once the Rasgotras left, Gates was careful to be there from 2 to 6, not arriving early and not leaving late.

At the end of May, Ray was sitting by Neela's bedside when he heard the doors open. He was surprised to find it was Katey. They hadn't spoken in almost two weeks. She walked over to Neela's bedside and placed an envelope on the table beside the bed. She took a deep breath and started speaking, ignoring Ray's presence.

"Neela, before I left I wanted you to know that you were an excellent mentor. I learned more surgical procedures and stuff from Dr. Dubenko and Dr. Crenshaw, but I learned how to be a better doctor from you. I'm sorry we didn't exactly end on the best terms. Hopefully one day we can reconcile." Ray was shocked to hear the words coming out of her mouth. He almost didn't realize she had begun speaking to him. "I just graduated. I'll be doing my residency in Maryland. I matched at John's Hopkins."

"Congratulations," he answered sincerely. "I wish you'd told me about graduation before."

"I didn't want you there," she said honestly. "I do hope we can stay in touch, if for no other reason, so I can tell patients I know someone whose life got turned upside down, and he still made out ok." She went over to him, gave him a brief kiss on the cheek and left.

-o-

When Ray arrived on Neela's 14th day, Dubenko was in the room.

"When do you expect she'll wake up?" Ray asked nervously.

"We thought she would have by now."

"So you think she might not wake up at all? Or it might it just be a little longer?"

"It's hard to say. You know that." Ray nodded stiffly. "How long will you keep her on the vent?"

"I don't know," he whispered back, his worry constraining his voice, not allowing him to speak louder. "It depends if her doctors think she'll wake up." Dubenko nodded. _I trust that you'd make the best decision based on the situation at hand._ Ray resumed his normal spot once the other doctor had left. "What's the best decision here Neela?" he asked quietly. "You said you trusted I'd make the best decision but I don't know what that is." He thought for a few minutes. "They thought you'd be up by now, but now they don't know. So do you want a month? Or how about you just wake up now, Neela. Please. This is killing me not knowing what to do."

-o-

Ray met with the team of doctors who were treating Neela the next morning. Ultimately he made the decision that if she showed no improvement, she would be taken off the vent 30 days after her accident. If that meant it was her natural end, so be it.

With much trepidation, Ray called the number Mrs. Rasgotra had given him.

"Hello?" a woman answered. Ray felt a huge sense of relief that it was not Ajay who answered the phone.

"Hi. This is Ray."

"Who?"

"Ray…Barnett…we met at the hospital," Ray said, confused.

"Oh, oh, you think I'm Neela's mum. I'm her sister. Just a moment." Ray mentally berated himself for not asking. He knew Neela had at least one sister. A few moments later, another woman spoke into the phone.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Rasgotra?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"Ray Barnett."

"Ok. What do you need Dr. Barnett?" her tone was very business like, but not threatening like her husband's tone when he talked to Ray.

"Neela has been on the ventilator for 15 days now. If she does not show any signs of improvement, she will be taken off it in another 15 days."

"Take her off it?" she asked harshly. "What do you mean take her off it? It's letting her breathe!"

"Yes, but again, Mrs. Rasgotra, I assure you, I am going off of what Neela herself told me. She doesn't want to be kept alive artificially."

"Fine. If she does show improvements, then what happens?"

"Then she will stay on it longer."

"Ok, thank you Dr. Barnett. I have to go now. We will return to Chicago in two weeks, if not sooner."

"Ok. Have a nice evening."

-o-

Over time, the details of Ray's accident were revealed. Abby would cleverly get some piece of information out of him at dinner or when they were commuting. She learned of the fight at her wedding, and Greg's comments to Ray right before he left. He told her about the phone call, and the voice mail from Neela. And she heard about his first few days in the hospital. Eventually, she even became privy to the contents of the conversation he had with Neela. She wasn't at all surprised by his admissions. In fact, she had been waiting for months for him to make them. Suddenly, everything started to make sense to Abby. Ray and Neela were two people deeply in love, but absolutely terrified of the concept. Neither wanted to be the first to admit it, for fear of what the other might say, or not say. Abby started to feel guilty that she encouraged Neela's relationship with Gates, and not interfered more in Ray's relationship with Katey. She consoled herself in the knowledge that hindsight is 20/20, and the belief that everything would work out in the end.

* * *

This chapter wasn't the greatest, but I didn't really know how to make it better.  
Neela will wake up in the next chapter... 

Please review!


	6. Waking Up To Conflict

**Disclaimer: **See chapter 1 (if you didn't know that already, I feel sad for you…)

**A/N: **Of course, thanks for the reviews!

* * *

**Chapter 6: Waking Up to Conflict**

Ray was sitting by her bed on the 29th day. She had been doing well, but not getting better. Her healing had plateaued.

"This is just what I was afraid of. Two weeks ago we made a decision about tomorrow, but now that we're here, I want to give you a little more time." He took her hand in his, as he did almost every day. "Make this easier on all of us, just wake up, please." He swallowed back a lump in his throat. "You said I'd make the right decision. But you're going to die if I made the wrong one. That's not fair." He thought he felt her hand twitch. When she remained still for several minutes, his hope deflated and he concluded it was wishful thinking.

A nurse came in to check up on her. She noted Neela's vitals, then drew back the sheet and pulled up the gown to inspect the scar, making sure it was healing properly. Ray sat back and watched. When the nurse revealed Neela's scarred abdomen he felt his stomach tighten. It did every time they checked it, which was around 11:30 AM each morning. Somehow, though, today was different. When the nurse left, Ray repeated the woman's actions, uncovering Neela's scar. He watched her chest rise and fall a few times, then he ran his fingers over the scar. The skin was rough. The sutures had been taken out almost two weeks prior, but the skin was still not healed, and thus uneven under his fingers.

"You remember saying to me you didn't want to have kids because you didn't want a C-section because of the scar?" he asked with a slight smile. He pulled her gown down. "Still have the same opinion?" He drew the sheet up. "Would that really matter?" He chuckled. It wasn't her main reason for not having kids. She also wanted to be married and out of her residency first. But they would joke about her vanity being the sole reason. He smiled at the memory. "See now it doesn't matter. You can wake up, and get married and have lots of little kids and it doesn't matter if you need a C-section, since you'll already have a scar. Not that it ever would have mattered, really." He sighed and picked up her hand again. He hummed a random tune to fill the silence in the room. "I have to leave pretty soon. Now's your chance to wake up for me." He hoped there would be some kind of miracle like in a bad romance movie. She gave him no reaction. He hummed a little while longer. "Your parents are coming tomorrow, to be here when we…take you off…the vent." The words stumbled out of his mouth, as if his subconscious didn't want them to be uttered. When the clock read 1:40, Ray had pretty much given up hope that she would wake up before his PT, but he didn't put her hand down. At 1:43, he raised her hand to his lips and gave it a gentle kiss, like he did every time he left. He felt her fingers contract, he was sure of it. "Come on, Neela, wake up, you're almost there," he whispered, unable to speak any louder. Her hand twitched again. He waited a few more minutes. Ray glanced at the clock, 1:52. He was going to have to cancel his appointment, but he was not going to leave her side to call. At 1:56, her eyelids fluttered, and Ray pressed the button to call a nurse. Ray was surprised when Dr. Dubenko walked in, rather than a nurse.

"What's the matter?"

"No, nothing's the matter. She's waking up. Her hand contracted a few times, and her eyelids fluttered just a moment ago."

"That's good!"

"Come on, Neela," he whispered, quietly enough that Dr. Dubenko wasn't even sure Ray had said anything. He kissed her hand again. Her eyes opened, and darted around the room. She tried to turn her head, but couldn't because of the intubation tube. Her heart rate increased and a few of the monitors started beeping in warning. "Shh, shh, shh, it's ok," he said to her, moving closer to her head so she could see him. "You're intubated. We'll get it out. Hang on." Dr. Dubenko had similar thoughts and had just gone to get a cup of water for when it was out. Just after Dubenko returned, Ray heard the tell-tale sound of Gates' walk. Dubenko removed the intubation tube. Neela coughed and gagged, as every patient does. Ray offered her the water, and she accepted the straw willingly.

"Neela?" Dubenko asked quietly, "do you know where you are?" She looked around for a moment, taking in her surroundings.

"SICU room…three?" she asked hesitantly. Ray smiled.

"'The hospital' would have been a sufficient answer," Dubenko answered with a smile, "but you have never been one to go with the simply 'sufficient' answer, have you?" She noticed Ray was still holding her hand. She gave it a gentle squeeze.

"You came back," she whispered.

"I had to," he answered simply.

"I'll be back later to check on you, Neela, ok?" Dubenko said, before he left. She nodded, and quickly refocused her attention on Ray.

"What do you mean you 'had to'?" The smile was fading from her face. At that moment Gates walked in.

"Neela!" he said loudly, "you're awake!"

"I'm sorry, I need you to leave," she said softly. Ray nodded.

"Ok," he said, and started to let go of her hand. She held onto it firmly. He was surprised that after a month her muscle tone was still so strong.

"Not you," she said quietly. She looked up intently at the other man in the room. "You."

"Me?!" Gates asked. She nodded. He swore under his breath, but he did leave.

"You didn't answer my question."

"You never changed your advance directive. I had to be here." She nodded.

"That implies you don't _want_ to be here."

"I do, but not yet. I need to go now. You are clearly lucid and capable of making decisions."

"Don't go, please don't go." She was still whispering. Her throat hurt too much to speak louder. A tear escaped from one of her eyes. He reached up and wiped it away.

"I have to." He pulled his hand out of hers, and backed away from the bed.

"No you don't, Ray. You don't." He looked at her, obviously torn.

"I came back because I made a legal agreement. I have fulfilled the terms of that. We can't…" he paused, unsure of how to complete the sentence. "I can't do this yet."

"Fine," she answered, "just stay in Chicago. Please. We've got a lot to figure out, both of us do. But please do it in Chicago."

"I have been a burden on Abby for a month now. She's, I'm sure, going to be the one to take care of you once you're well enough to be discharged. In Baton Rouge, my mom's perfectly willing to deal with me. She wants me to come home. I hadn't seen her in years, before the accident."

"Please don't go," she choked out. A few more tears fell down her face.

"It's the right thing to do."

"No it's not!" she was finally able to speak at a normal volume, but comparatively it sounded like she was shouting.

"Not forever. Just for now."

"Damn it, Ray. No! I screwed up not telling you things sooner, but it's all been said now, hasn't it? It's finally out there, and you can't throw that all away."

"It's not all out there, Neela," he said, frustration causing his volume to increase. "_My_ half of it is. Yours isn't, and never has been."

"I love you Ray," she said firmly. "I do. I made so many mistakes, but the biggest one was not telling you sooner." She swallowed the lump in her throat, desperately trying not to cry any more than she already was. "Do you still love me?" she asked quietly. He looked intently at her for a few moments before he answered her.

"No. Not like I used to." He looked down, unable to meet her eyes again. She stayed in a stunned silence for a few moments.

"Why?"

"I spent so much time waiting for you Neela and look where it ended me."

"Waiting? You were screwing Katey! How was I supposed to know you were _waiting_? You never said anything until I saw you in the hospital." Ray took a deep breath.

"I didn't handle it appropriately either. I never loved her. But we both made mistakes."

"And now we can fix them!"

"I don't know that I can, here."

"Why?"

"I need to get away from it all."

"Why?"

"I have sat next to your bed for at least 9 hours a day for the past 29 days. It's hard to look at things objectively after that."

"Look at what objectively?"

"My life. So much has happened in the last year or two that I need to just get away from it all."

"No, you don't. You're running from it. Do you have a problem with me? Lay it on me. That's the easiest way to deal with it."

"It's not that easy."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not just about a problem with you or with anyone else, it's with myself." Neela was quiet for a few minutes.

"Then find a way to figure it out here. Please don't leave me, Ray."

"It would just be a taste of what you have done to me over and over. I almost feel like I should, just so you know what it's like."

"I know what it's fucking like! Remember my husband? Who left me?"

"Our relationship is so much different from the one you had with him though."

"Yeah, he was my husband."

"There was something odd about your marriage Neela, that I was still the one named in your advance directive. We were more married than you and Michael ever were, except that we never slept together. That's what you don't seem to get. _I_ was there when you laughed, _I _was there when you cried, _I_ was the one you came home to every night. _I_ am the one you trusted to literally make your life and death decisions." She fought back tears, and couldn't bring herself to respond. "Go back in time Neela to, say, April 29, 2006." She stiffened at the mention of the date. "Which would you be more upset about, if you were told that I was killed or that Michael was? And don't give me the answer that comes immediately to your tongue so you can appear the faithful wife. What's said in here stays in here. Which would be harder? Tell the truth."

"That's not fair."

"Why?" She couldn't give him an answer as to why it wasn't fair. Mostly she didn't want to answer because she didn't want to admit that he was right.

"You. It would have been worse if it was you," she admitted.

"So, there you go. You don't know what it's been like for me, losing you over and over again."

"And what? You feel like I should have to endure the same pain you did just so I can get a taste of my own medicine? That is childish. I am sorry Ray for everything hurtful I did. It was never intentional. I _never_ tried to hurt you. I just made a lot of mistakes, which ended up hurting you, because you were so entwined in my life. It was hard to change anything without changing something about you."

"I should go, so they can come check you." She opened her mouth to object, but he cut her off before she got a chance to start. "I won't leave, I'll wait outside."

"Stay with me. Please." She held out her hand, and he reluctantly took it.

"Fine." She pressed the nurse call button. A few moments later, a woman came into the room. She recognized Ray as the man who had been by her bedside for a month, but they had never actually spoken.

"Sir, I need to ask you to leave."

"No," Neela cut in, "I want him to stay." The nurse nodded and began her exam. When she finished, Neela lay back down, suddenly tired from all the excitement of the last few hours.

"There are some other people who want to see you, Neela, and I don't think I should be in the room for it, ok? I won't leave, I'll just wait outside." She nodded grudgingly. Ray wheeled himself out to the nurses' station where a very angry looking Tony Gates stood. "You can go in," Ray nodded in the direction of Neela's room. He glared at Ray, but didn't say anything before going into her room.

-o-

"What was all that about?" Gates asked, walking into the room.

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean, 'what do I mean'? All that shit with Barnett."

"You and I—we're over, Tony. I thought I had made that clear."

"I don't think we are."

"Don't get me angry. We are done. Our relationship was not headed toward anything. I don't love you and you don't love me."

"I _do_ love you. And it was made all that much clearer to me when this happened."

"No. What this has made clearer is that I don't belong with you."

"I suppose you think you belong with Ray?"

"Yes, I do."

"After all the shit you put each other through, you both suffering a little hardship in your lives makes you think it will all be ok?"

"No! First of all, it's not 'a little hardship.' If you will recall, I almost died."

"Yeah, I know that, I was the one who brought you here."

"Ray was almost killed, but instead has just endured a life altering event."

"That was his own fault for getting trashed and playing in traffic."

"Not entirely. All three of us played parts in that. But that is not the point. The fact of the matter is that it happened. And no, I don't think it will all of a sudden be ok. A lot of things are not ok between the two of us. See the difference between my relationship with you and my relationship with him is that I can see me and him working things out. You and I have no future. I don't want a future with you. I do want a future with him."

"And how exactly did he sweet talk you into this?"

"He didn't! Don't be so arrogant. He's prepared to leave. I'm the one who's talking him into it. That's what it means to love someone. To be willing to work through anything and everything. To care about someone more than you care about yourself."

"Fine. Good luck with that." He spun on his heel and left. When Abby saw Gates storming out of the room, she took that as her cue to enter.

"Hi," she said brightly. "Welcome back to the world, Neela."

"Thanks," she said giving a half hearted smile. "I'm sorry, but Abby can you do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"Go get Ray please." Abby nodded.

"Of course." She quickly left the room. Ray appeared a few minutes later.

"I really think we need time apart Neela," he started. "Until I can get things straightened out," she cut him off before he could continue.

"Shut up. Just stop it. Ray, I almost died."

"Yeah I know, I was the one who had to make the decisions about that."

"Shut up! Please! I know that we have problems individually and between the two of us, but I need you right now, Ray. I can't do this without you."

"You need to try."

"You don't even realize when things started going downhill, do you?"

"I was kind of under the impression you were talking about the fact that you were trampled a month ago."

"I am, kind of. Physically, yeah, that's where my problems lie. But I don't need you here so my bruises can heal and my bones can reform. I need you here for all the other stuff. My life has been slowly falling apart for so long. And it started the night I moved out. It was too complicated for me to stay with you at that point, but in retrospect it was the first mistake of many, ok?" Ray sat in silence for several minutes.

"I want to be there for you, Neela. I have wanted to be there for you for three years, but have been pushed away each and every time. Everything is not just magically better after the events of the past few months. It puts some things in perspective, but that doesn't mean none of it matters. I'm not saying we can't be friends, hell, I'm not saying that I don't love you. I do, just not like I used to. And there are some things that have to happen before that changes. I want to be with you, but if we do it now, it would be a disservice to us both."

"Will you stay until I'm out of the hospital? Just a few more days." He took some time to think about it.

"I guess, yeah, but I _am _leaving when you get discharged. No questions." She nodded.

"Ok." She motioned for him to come closer. He came up next to the bed. She reached for his hand, which he gave her. She intertwined her fingers with his. "I love you, Ray," she whispered.

"I know you do." He pulled their hands toward him and kissed her hand just as he had done every time he left her room for the past 29 days. "I have to go to PT now. I missed most of it already, but I need to do something today, ok?" She nodded. "You should probably call your parents." He hesitated before he continued. "Make sure they know that you just woke up and I didn't put off telling them." She gave him a curious look. "They were not exactly pleased with your DPA."

"You mean that it was you," she said her question as a statement. He nodded. "Will you come back after?"

"I always do." He kissed her hand again and left.

* * *

Please review! 

The next chapter might take a while. It's not completely written yet. (Chapters 1-6 were all basically completely written before I posted chapter 1.)


	7. Out of the Woods, Almost

**Disclaimer**: Do we really have to go through this every time? Yes? Ok, see chapter 1.

**A/N**: Thanks everyone for the reviews, they make me really happy. Thanks **starryjen** for the comments and ideas :)

* * *

**Chapter 7: Out Of The Woods. Almost.**

Abby returned once Ray had left.

"What was all that?" she asked as the door swung closed behind her.

"Finally putting it all out there," Neela explained. "Abandoning the assumption we each know what the other means. Speaking the previously unspoken words." Abby nodded. "He promised to stay until I'm discharged."

"And then?"

"He's leaving. But he'll come back. Just not now." Abby nodded.

"Given the look on his face and on yours, I'm not going to argue with you. I don't get the two of you, but you apparently have some sort of understanding." Neela nodded.

"Something like that."

"You need anything?"

"I don't think so. Rest, I guess." Abby chuckled.

"Good idea. And you know you're going to be staying with me when you get discharged, right?" Neela nodded.

-o-

A few hours later Ray returned to her room after his PT.

"You are really sweaty. That's kind of gross." He smiled genuinely.

"It's water. I took a shower because I do get sweaty." Neela chuckled and extended her hand again, silently asking for his. He took it, weaving their fingers together, and raising it to his lips, gave her another gentle kiss on the back of the hand.

They remained in silence for a long time. Ray sat in his wheelchair, looking at her and only occasionally letting his gaze stray elsewhere, and Neela lay on her bed, her eyes closed, but she wasn't asleep. He could tell she was still awake by the small movement of her thumb across the palm of his hand.

"Why didn't you change it?" he asked suddenly.

"Change what?"

"Your AD. I thought when you got married you would have changed it. Why is it still me and not Michael?" Neela sighed.

"This is one of those things that shows just how messed up our relationship is, Ray." She paused to gather her thoughts before continuing. "You remember when I first drew up my AD?" Ray nodded. "It was before I got married."

"Right. So why didn't you change it when you did get married?"

"Because…you still knew me better than he did. If something had happened to me, and it was between you and Michael to decide something, I have to admit, you'd probably know what I would want more than him. Then Michael went back, and it was silly to change it to his name, since he wasn't even stateside."

"Then he died and you would scarcely talk to me. And yet you kept my name there."

"But you still knew me. Our relationship has been weird Ray, but if it came to life and death decisions…it's always been you." Ray nodded slowly, then kissed the back of her hand as he did so often. When 10 o'clock rolled around, Abby came into tell Ray he had to leave. Neela protested, but both Ray and Abby were insistent, and there was not much she could do, especially seeing as she was still hooked up to various monitors and IVs. She calmed down at the promise that they would return in the morning, as they had every other day she inhabited that bed.

-o-

As promised, Ray returned to Neela's bedside the next morning. She was asleep when he got there. The adrenaline from returning to the world had worn off and she realized how tired she was. Her body had spent a month healing, but now she needed to be an active part of it. For most of the next two days, Neela was either sleeping or doing her own physical therapy. She insisted Ray stay, and he agreed to her wishes.

-o-

On the third day, Neela informed Ray that they were moving her out of the SICU the next day.

"Already?" he asked, surprised.

"Yeah, it's been a few days, and there have been no problems."

"It seems early," he objected hesitantly.

"And my insurance won't cover another day. I think I've outstayed my welcome by their standards already actually."

"You shouldn't worry about that now."

"Well, I do worry about it," she snapped, sounding angrier than she intended, "do you know how much a day in the ICU costs?" He nodded silently, not wanting to argue. She was getting antsy just sitting in bed all day. They allowed her to slowly venture out of bed in limited amounts with the help of her physical therapist, but she was still restless.

"Ok, sorry."

That afternoon, two hours into his physical therapy, Ray got an urgent phone call from the SICU. Neela's stats had suddenly dropped and they needed Ray there. He groaned. He thought he was done making those decisions. The thought that his choices might allow her to die sickened him every time the concept crossed his mind. Neela had been having episodes of arrhythmia, but it was self correcting, or they just had to administer a low dose of various medications to stop it. These episodes were becoming more frequent and Dubenko wanted Ray on hand. By the time Ray got upstairs, Neela was unconscious. She started seizing and the monitors started screaming. Ray felt his chest tighten, knowing the question was coming.

"Ray, the only way to stop this is by shocking her," Dubenko said urgently.

"No," he said, his voice hard. He sounded much more sure than he felt. He could hear his own heartbeat in his ears, and the sweat dripping down his face was no longer due to the physical exertion he had been called away from. She stopped seizing, but her heart was still not beating properly.

"It's now or never," Dubenko said, his eyes pleading. Rays eyes darted back and forth between the surgeon, the nurse in the room, and Neela. He didn't recognize the nurse, and she kept a stony look on her face, not wanting to influence any decision. Dubenko clearly wanted to shock the woman on the bed before him.

"Once," Ray said quietly. "You can do it once, that's it."

"Are you sure?" the nurse asked.

"The decisions are his," Dubenko snapped at the nurse. She nodded, and withdrew herself from the conversation again.

"You've tried all the drugs?" Dubenko nodded. "Once. You can do it once," he repeated.

"Charge to…" Ray couldn't hear the rest of Dubenko's commands. His heart pounded in his ears. He was looking straight at the paddles on her chest, but his mind couldn't comprehend what he was seeing. It was like when he was really tired and would re-read an article only to realize he had no idea what it was about after the second read through. The nurse's voice cut back into his consciousness.

"He said _once_ Lucien."

"Clear!" the man shouted.

"Stop," the nurse demanded.

"One more will do it, Ray," Dubenko pleaded, looking at Ray. Ray shook his head. The small movement of his head going back and forth was all it took for the surgeon to stop.

"No," Ray said sternly, swallowing a lump in his throat. Dubenko replaced the paddles on the crash cart and stepped away from the bed.

"Can we do one more round of drugs?" the surgeon asked hopefully. Ray nodded. The nurse nodded and carried out the order. Once the meds had been pushed, Dubenko sighed gratefully.

"Sinus rhythm," Ray and Dubenko said at the same time.

-o-

Neela woke up with Ray by her side almost 30 minutes later.

"What happened?" she asked groggily.

"You had a seizure." Her eyes wandered around the room as he answered. They rested on a piece of equipment in the corner.

"Why is there a crash cart in here?"

"You were given some meds, but they weren't working." He hesitated a moment too long and she cut in.

"Ray I told you no," she said angrily.

"Just once," he said. "It only took one, Neela. That's it. I'm sorry." She scoffed.

"No you're not," she spat.

"You gave me the right to make the decision, Neela."

"And I told you that I didn't want it!"

"I thought it was in your best interest."

"My best interest or yours?" she asked icily. He hesitated.

"Both," he answered calmly.

"There was no ambiguity in my wishes, Ray. I told you _specifically_ that I didn't want defibrillation."

"Then maybe you need to change your advance directive. We discussed dozens of scenarios, but what it comes down to is that you appointed _me_ 'to act for you and in your name in any way you could act in person to make any and all decisions for you concerning your personal care, medical treatment, hospitalization and health care,'" he said quoting her advance directive word for word, replacing "me" and "I" with "you," and "my" with "your." She looked at him curiously. "I've read that three or four times a day for a fucking month. Every time I walk," he stopped with a painful grimace spreading across his face, "_come_ back into this room, I wonder if it was all imagined and in fact I have no right to be here."

"Ray, did you make the decision for me or for you?" she asked, her voice void of emotion, but heavy with the need for an answer. He looked at her for several seconds before answering.

"I made the decision because you have so much more of your life to live. Whatever it is that you believe about who or what decides your death, I was giving it one chance to reconsider." She nodded slowly. "And I cannot lose you again," he whispered.

"Which reason came first?" Her voice had the same weight as her previous question.

"I can't answer that." She opened her mouth to respond but he cut her off before she could start. "Because I don't know," he continued. "I don't know which reason came first, but I think they are equally valid, don't you?"

"I don't know," she replied wearily. Her anger had drained her energy, and at this point she wasn't sure what she was fighting.

"I wouldn't ever do it again. And I'd understand if you want to change your AD."

"No, I don't want to change it," she sighed, running her hand through her hair. "I suppose there's some truth to what you said."

"You're not even 30. You are a gifted surgeon, and that's not just me trying to get on your good side. Crenshaw says so, Dubenko agrees, Kovac was always impressed with your work. A special residency was set up just for you, for God's sake! You're passionate about your work, and you're devoted to your friends. I couldn't let one shock stand in the way of all that." She nodded silently.

"This coming from a man with a living will that, given what it says, might as well be a DNR order."

"Sometimes I still wish they would have known that after my accident."

"Don't say that."

"Why? It's true. I'll never live the life I used to have. You can, and you will. In a few weeks time, the only indication that anything happened to you will be a scar on your stomach."

"And in a few months, as long as you wear long pants no one will know anything happened to you!"

"This is not about me, Neela."

"Yes. It is." She sighed angrily. "You're using your own misfortune to rationalize going against my expressed wishes."

"I'm trying to make you see that it would be a greater loss to many more people to lose you than me."

"I can't believe you just said that," she said quietly, anger constricting her voice.

"It's true," he answered simply.

"I don't even know how to talk to you right now," she said fiercely. "Your reasoning is so beyond fucked up, I don't even know what to say."

"I don't understand why you are so offended by this."

"Offended?" she asked incredulously. "Offended? You think that's what I am? I'm appalled! How could you even _think_ about valuing one life over another like that? As a physician, how in bloody hell could you do that? Would you say that, in different circumstances, since you are 8 months younger than me, you've got more life ahead of you, and your life should be valued over mine? Would you say that," he cut her off before she could continue.

"Neela, calm down." She gave him an infuriated look. "Be as angry with me as you want, but seriously, take a breath and calm down a moment, or that thing," he nodded toward the machine tracking her pulse and blood pressure, "is going to go crazy and attract more attention that you want right now." Her face softened ever so slightly. "And I think I am going to go for now. Give us both an opportunity to calm down."

"Don't you turn your back to me," she said coldly. "I am not finished talking."

"I think you should be for now."

"Fuck you. Listen to me, please," she said strongly. "Maybe it is good that you let them shock me. I'm not saying that ultimately it's not the right decision. I'm saying that I trusted you to fulfill _my_ wishes. If it were something we had not specifically talked about, that would be one thing, but we did talk about this! I," he cut her off again.

"You trusted me to make the best decision given the circumstance. 'No defibrillation' is not written in that document. Me acting on your behalf is. I'm going to go get a shower," he said changing the subject. "Abby can't exactly help me with that, so I need to get back to PT before it's too late."

"You'll come back after though, won't you?" He studied her for a moment before answering.

"Do you really want me to?" She nodded solemnly. "Then, yes, I probably will." She looked intently back at him, their eyes locked for a few moments. "I will. I'll come back after I'm done." Her face softened again.

"Thank you," she said quietly.

-o-

When Ray returned to Neela's room after his PT, she was asleep. He took her hand, per usual. Her words swirled around in his head. He considered her argument for a long time. But what it came down to was that he _did_ value her life over his own. _Is that so wrong?_ he wondered. The noise of the door opening shattered his concentration.

"Ray," Abby said quietly, "it's time to go." Usually when Abby said these words, Ray would kiss Neela's hand and gently place it on the bed by her side, then turn to follow Abby out of the room. Tonight though, he put Neela's hand down, but didn't move away from the bed. On the contrary, he leaned his elbows on the edge and rested his chin in his hands. He had looked at her when she entered, so she knew he had heard her. "Ray?"

"Would you die for a friend?" he asked her.

"What?" she replied, caught off guard.

"Throw yourself in front of a train, walk through fire type of thing," he feebly explained.

"For some people, yeah, I guess so."

"Would you say then, that you value their lives over your own?"

"No. It's not about value. That's what love is. Isn't it? To care about someone more than yourself?" Ray thought about that for a moment.

"Are you going to credit me Abby, or just plagiarize?" Neela asked groggily.

"I was going to take the credit, but I guess you caught me," Abby answered with a smile. Ray turned his head and looked at Neela. She moved her hand to rest on his bicep. "It's after 10, we need to go, Ray."

"What would happen if I stayed? I mean really…" Ray asked.

"I don't know, but as it is you hardly sleep Ray. At least come home and get some rest in a bed." He shook his head.

"I can't leave yet, Abby. You can go ahead. I can get home by myself." Abby looked at him disapprovingly. "I know where I'm going, I've been living at your place for a month."

"I'll wait. If you're not out of here by 11, I will drag you kicking and screaming if I have to."

"Ok," Ray agreed. Abby rolled her eyes and left.

"They're getting slammed down there anyway," Abby mumbled. "Come downstairs when you're ready to leave," she instructed Ray. He nodded in acknowledgement.

"Neela," he started, "we got a little carried away before. Whether I value your life over mine is really irrelevant, because it wasn't that I had to choose between the two of us." She nodded in agreement. "I want you to live your life. And I couldn't let that life end at 29." She nodded again.

"Ok," she said quietly.

"I'm sorry I went against your wishes, but I truly believe I acted in _your_ best interest." He paused. "And it just so happens that in this case, what is in your best interest is also in mine."

"Apology accepted." She moved her hand so it rested on his cheek. "I just feel like I don't control anything anymore, and I thought you of all people would respect my wishes."

"I did. Mostly." She shook her head in feigned exasperation. "You do have control of things Neela. Just not the things you are used to having control of. Let other people take care of you right now. Trust us."

"I do. Mostly," she said, mocking what he had said moments before. "I just don't like it."

"I know. You'll be out of here soon enough."

"I don't want to leave."

"Why?"

"Because that means you're leaving too."

"But I'm coming back. I promise."

* * *

I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, but I hope it was at least sort of worth the wait! The next chapter will be more cheerful (and in my opinion, better!)...but I'm not very good at endings, so I hope you all don't think this story is just going downhill now! 


	8. Discharged

Disclaimer: Same ol,' same ol

**Disclaimer**: Same ol,' same ol.' (i.e. see chapter 1) Are you really surprised? The character of Dr. Lee is mine.

**A/N**: It didn't occur to me to check before writing this story, so just FYI, in this story Katey was a fourth year medical student in season 13. I know the dates don't correspond well to when things would have been happening in the show, but I am sticking with my original (though incorrect) timeline.

Not that it really matters, but I just thought I'd note that I have made minor changes in previous chapters…stuff I didn't notice the first million times proofread it.

Sorry it took so long to get this up. I have whole sections written, but they're so fragmented…it's hard to put them together. So there's an explanation if you care… I hope you don't find this too choppy, or the end too sappy. I hope it was at least sort of worth the wait.

* * *

**Chapter 8: Discharged**

The next several days were uneventful. Ray's routine hadn't changed in over a month and he wasn't about to change it now. Neela spent much of her time sleeping. They had lengthy conversations about random subjects, but they never returned the subject of "us." It was understood that Ray was there because it was in Neela's advance directive and he was only staying until she was discharged. He would return after some undetermined length of time. But when he came back, he was coming as a man who was in love with a woman. He would be there because he wanted to be, not because he had promised, years ago, that should this situation arise, he'd be there.

Other than Ray, Neela's visitors tapered off. Gates had stopped coming around a few days earlier. There was nothing left to say between them. Abby rarely came around other than to pick up and drop off Ray. There would be enough time for talking when Neela was living with Abby for recovery. Everybody else liked to stay updated, but didn't visit much. Neela didn't mind. She could only take so much sympathy before it started to feel like pity. She couldn't stand being pitied.

-o-

Neela was moved out of the SICU once she hadn't had any more cardiac abnormalities for several consecutive days. When Abby dropped Ray off, she also left some get well cards which she had collected when they were getting ready to move Neela out of the SICU the first time. Abby had inadvertently taken them home.

As usual, Ray and Neela spent their first day in her new room largely in silence, since Neela was sleeping most of the time anyway. The TV was on, but they only half paid attention to it. Mostly it kept the room from being ruled by the mechanical sounds of the machines Neela was attached to.

"Do you know where my cell phone is?" she asked. Ray jumped.

"I thought you were asleep." She smiled. "Abby said it was smashed in the stampede."

"They saved the memory chip though right? I'm never going to be able to get everyone's numbers back otherwise!"

"I have no idea."

"What about my necklace?" she asked, bringing her hand to her neck, feeling for the absent jewelry.

"You weren't wearing one."

"The gold chain."

"I know which one you're talking about, but unless you put it on sometime between seeing me and going to the rally, you weren't wearing one."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," he said with a slight smile. "Why?"

"I could have sworn I was wearing it. You're _sure_ I wasn't?"

"Yeah. I specifically looked actually."

"Why?" He looked at her a few moments, but didn't answer. "What?" she asked, her interest now piqued at his lack of response.

"I'm not going to answer that right now," he answered with a half smile. She gave him a puzzled look.

"Ok," she said slowly, in her confusion.

"You were wearing your watch though. For some reason they didn't take it off you when they put in the IV."

"Yeah, I told them not to. I threatened to be a _very_ difficult patient. I hate not wearing my watch."

"You were going to be anesthetized," he chuckled. "Why did you care?" She shrugged. "I took it off you. It's on your dresser. I'll bring it in tomorrow."

"Ok. I can't believe I just realized I didn't have it."

"Well, there's a clock on the wall and you have no reason to check you watch incessantly like you usually have to when you're working."

"I guess so. Will you bring me my necklace too?" Ray nodded.

"You know when you're being discharged yet?" Neela shook her head.

"Soon probably. We're back to the insurance problem again."

"What, that they won't cover a longer stay?"

"Yes. And I'm going to go crazy if they keep me here!"

"Understandable."

"Speaking of crazy," Neela said with a smile, "what about you?"

"Hey, I'm outpatient, I get to go home at night," Ray reasoned with a smile. "I'm fine."

"I'm actually serious, Ray." He cocked his head, giving her a curious look.

"You actually think I'm crazy?" he asked.

"Well, no, but are you getting therapy?" She paused. "For, say, PTSD?"

"You think I could do 4 straight hours of physical therapy _every_ _day_?"

"Well, yeah. That's what you said you were doing. I believed what you told me."

"I can't push _that_ hard. I do have PT every day, but not for the full 4 hours."

"That's a good point. I don't know why that didn't occur to me sooner. How's it going?"

"Well, I'm clearly not walking yet, but," he started, but Neela cut him off.

"I'm not talking about PT. I can see you've been doing that." Once the words came out of her mouth, she realized how true they were. He had always been fit, his muscles defined, but not bulging. She noted that the sleeves of his t-shirt hugged his arms a little tighter. His back was likely much stronger too, she started to imagine, before stopping herself. This was not the time to think about that.

"I'm sorry, while you were in a coma, did you forget all about HIPAA?" he teased.

"I'm asking the patient. You're free to release all your information," she answered playfully.

"I suppose so. Let's just say it's not over."

"Of course it's not. That," she motioned to his lower half, "happened less than 3 months ago."

"Yeah," he sighed. "I know, believe me, I know." Ray's tone ended the conversation. Both knew it was a touchy subject. He wasn't angry, but it was clear he wanted the conversation to be over. They were quiet for a long time.

-o-

Neela waited until Ray went to PT to start reading the cards that Abby had left. The writing on the envelope on top Neela immediately recognized as her mother's. It was an opened envelope that had obviously been sent from England, addressed to Abby. Neela pulled out the contents. There was a short note to Abby on a file card and an unsealed envelope. The note to Abby read_ please give this to Neela when she wakes up. _She opened the card. There was a rather short message written in very sloppy Punjabi that Neela decided to decipher later. Even after all these years, reading her mother's handwriting was a chore. There was a card from the ER that everyone had signed. Some of the comments were pretty amusing, and all were heartfelt. _You realize you've left Crenshaw to do all the ER consults don't you? Get well soon so we can have you back! Archie Morris_. Neela smiled, she could hear Morris saying that. _We miss you around here, Neela. As soon as you are well enough, we'll have to have a girl's night out, ok? Love, Sam._ Neela was looking forward to that night out. She was starting to get really antsy just sitting around. _There isn't enough room on this card to say everything Neela. We'll talk soon. We all miss you down here. Get well! Yours, Greg_. The nurses had also all signed it with well wishes and notes. The next card was the only one that was in a sealed envelope. She didn't recognize the handwriting on the front. It was too neat to be any of the doctors' handwriting, but it didn't look like any of the nurses' handwriting either. She tore open the envelope and skimmed through the card quickly.

_May 2007 _

_Neela,_

_If you are reading this that means you have made great progress in your recovery—that's wonderful! _

_We didn't exactly part on the best terms, but since I'm graduating, I won't be around when you are well enough for me to say this to your face. I've matched at John's Hopkins, just like you said I would. You were the best mentor I had on all of my rounds. I learned more procedures from other doctors, but I learned to be a better physician from you._

_I honestly didn't realize what I was taking away from you when I was with Ray. I thought I might, and that's why I kept asking you if there was anything between you, or if you minded that we were spending time together. All this has shown me that you were both lying to each other and to me. I won't ever forgive you for the effect you had on Ray, and I'm sure you'll never forgive me, but I hope someday we can reconcile our differences._

_Know that you had a very positive effect on me as a student. Men aside I think we could have been good friends. I will settle for civil interactions. Please call me when you are well enough. Even if we are not the best of friends, I would like to be able to personally tell you 'thank you'!_

_Good luck in your future. You'll be a great surgeon._

_All my best,_

_Katey_

Neela had to re-read the last four words several times for it to really sink in. _All my best, Katey_. Then she re-read the whole letter. Twice. It would be an understatement to say she was in shock. After their last interaction, Neela didn't expect to ever hear from Katey again. In fact, she kind of hoped she wouldn't. The entire length of Katey's surgical rotation was plagued with misinterpretation, misunderstandings and miscommunication, all about personal matters. Neela had to admit to herself that she didn't think Katey was capable of separating those issues from the academic work they did. Clinically, Katey was a decent student. Socially, Neela could hardly stand to be around her. What she said was true though, men aside, they probably could have gotten along quite well. Any reconciliation however, would have to wait a while, at least a year or two, Neela thought, probably longer.

After getting over the surprise of that, she went on to the next card. It was a simple 8 ½" x 11" piece of paper, folded in half. There were scribbles of crayon, and down at the bottom in Abby's characteristic handwriting _I miss you Neela! Love, Joe_. In that same envelope was a card with many well wishes from Abby.

She decided it was time to tread through her mother's letter, and she reluctantly picked it up and started to read the almost illegible words.

_28 May 2007_

_Dearest Neela,_

_I am so glad you are well enough to be reading this. I have been terribly worried about you ever since we left you in the hands of your friend Dr. Barnett. Your father and I don't understand why you would not let your family have any part in deciding your medical treatments. We understand that you want to make your own life in America, but you can't abandon the life you have in England. Your siblings still need you. We all love you, Neela. And as the oldest child, you have a responsibility to this family. Remember that._

_Love,_

_Mum_

It didn't surprise her. It was short and concise. There was the requisite guilt trip, the irritation about her AD, the concern, and the disappointment in her decision to move so far from her family, all mixed in with the love. She knew her parents meant well, but it seemed like there was always something she didn't do quite right, requiring reprimand. She sighed and let her head fall back onto the bed.

-o-

"Ray?" his physical therapist asked, "are you with me here?"

"Yeah, sorry," Ray answered sheepishly. He sighed and put down the dumbbells. Dr. Lee handed Ray a towel. The corner was stamped "Property of Cook County Hospital." In permanent marker, the PT department added "Dr. Adrian Lee." Ray brought attention to the writing.

"Patients kept stealing the towels from around here. I thought maybe that would keep people from taking them." Ray chuckled. "You've been distracted a lot," Dr. Lee said seriously, returning to the previous topic of conversation.

"I've got a lot on my mind." Ray wiped the towel over his face.

"I realize that, but you need to concentrate. Have you been getting rest like I told you to?"

"I'm wheelchair bound. It's not like I'm running marathons," Ray said acidly, still slightly bitter at his condition. He tossed the towel back to the other man. Dr. Lee put it to the side.

"So you're telling me you're still spending 8 hours a day being with your friend?" Ray hesitated, and his silence was enough of an answer. "You need to get some serious rest, Ray. You can't make progress if you're tired and unfocused. Spend a few days at home, by yourself. You're living with Dr. Lockhart, is that correct?"

"Yeah."

"Ok. I am going to tell her that I don't want you coming into the hospital for a few days." Ray scowled. "You put on a good front, Ray. It truly impresses me, but at this point I can see through it. _Acting_ like you are doing better is not the same as actually _being_ better."

"Who are you to say it's a front? I _am_ doing better! You know as well as I do that progress fluctuates. So I'm not improving as fast as I was a few weeks ago," he shrugged, "but that's normal."

"Yes, I know that. But I've been doing this for 16 years. I know the difference between fluctuating progress and distraction. You pretending to be better is not going to help her get better. It's good to be there for a friend, but you can't take care of someone else if you can't take care of yourself."

"I know that."

"Good. So I better not see you in this hospital for the next two days, ok?"

"You want me to stop the therapy?"

"Except for PT. Can you come in the mornings? Say, nine?"

"Are you telling me or asking me?" The therapist smiled.

"Take it as you will."

"Yeah, fine, I can come in then. You remember though that I'm leaving really soon?"

"Yes, I do," the other man replied, "but that doesn't mean you should slack off."

"You think I'm slacking off?" Ray accused, slightly offended. "I'm working as hard as I fucking can!"

"I know you are. I'm saying it needs to stay that way. I have been in contact with the clinic you gave me the name of down south."

"Good."

"I actually went to college with one of their physical therapists."

"Small world."

"We work the same way, so with the exception of the accent and slightly newer equipment, nothing will change."

"So it's all set up?"

"Yes. They're expecting you in the next few days."

-o-

Ray returned to Neela's room after his physical therapy.

"Lucien came to talk to me while you were out."

"Ok."

"I'm being discharged the day after tomorrow." Ray nodded.

"Then I guess I'll be taking the 8 o'clock flight."

"AM or PM?"

"PM."

"Good. So you'll be there when I come home." Ray nodded again.

"I guess so. At least for a few hours."

-o-

Ray was quiet most of the way back to the apartment. Abby could tell something was troubling him. She presumed Neela had told Ray she was being discharged, and Abby guessed that was what kept Ray so quiet. Finally, he spoke.

"Her parents never came back." Abby shook her head.

"Nope, she asked them not to. She didn't have the energy to deal with them," she chuckled.

"I see. You know I'll be out of your way the night after tomorrow, right?"

"So you are going to take the 8 o'clock flight?" Ray nodded.

"I have to."

"I know. As long as you come back."

"I will."

"I know," she repeated.

-o-

"We both know this is going to end ok for us, right?" Ray asked immediately upon entering her room the next morning.

"What?" she asked, taken by surprise.

"Ever since the conversation about your necklace yesterday I've been thinking about it. My physical therapist actually got pretty pissed off because my mind kept wandering."

"Over a necklace?"

"No, not exactly, but the necklace reminded me of it."

"Ok, I don't even really know what we're talking about anymore. How about you just continue with whatever you were going to say." He chuckled.

"We're going to be ok," he started. "This is all going to work out. You know that, right?" She shrugged.

"I hope so."

"No, it _is_. You need to trust me, ok?"

"I guess."

"You know I have to leave, at least for a little while. But I _am_ coming back." She nodded. He reached into his pocket, pulling out her watch, gold necklace and a thin silver ring. "Here's your necklace and watch."

"That's not my ring. It's very pretty though, in its simplicity."

"Shh," he scolded gently, with a smile. "I'm getting there. The ring belongs to me. I put it on the necklace so I wouldn't lose it. Keep the ring however you wish—on a necklace or on your finger, or don't wear it at all, it doesn't matter to me. Just hang on to it. It's a promise. It means I have, or rather _we both_ have shit that needs to get figured out, but that doesn't change that you're mine, ok?" She looked at him questioningly. He held up a finger, telling her to wait, let him finish. "After I leave, I want you to remember every time you look at it that I'm coming back. Let it remind you to give me another chance to do this right." She smiled broadly, taking the jewelry from him. Unclipping the chain, she slipped the ring off and let it fall into her lap. She fastened the chain around her neck and picked up the ring. He wrapped his hand around hers, so he was also holding the silver band.

"Ok, but..." she started, but he started speaking again before she could finish.

"I love you, Neela. You piss me off on a regular basis, you challenge just about everything I have to say, and you almost never let me get away with anything, but those are also some of the best things about you."

"Thank you," she said sincerely.

"I'm not asking you to marry me, and I'm not telling that you're not free to do what you want while I'm gone. It just means that when I come back, you promise me you'll give me a chance." She nodded, and they looked at each other for several seconds before breaking eye contact. He slowly released her hand and she held up the ring to examine it.

"This is your ring? It looks too small for any of your fingers."

"I wore it on my pinkie for a while. My dad gave it to me when I graduated from college. His father had given him one. I don't know how many generations it goes back. Dad wears his on a chain. My grandfather gave his to his daughter, my aunt." She turned it over in her hand, inspecting it. "And I'm giving mine to you."

"It's engraved."

"My initials. It's part of the tradition." She nodded and slipped the ring on her right ring finger. It was a little too small. She tried her pinkie, but then it was too big.

"I guess I'll wear it on a necklace then," she said with a smile, twisting her necklace around so she could slip the ring back onto the chain.

"Dr. Lee actually told me I wasn't allowed to come here any more. I just wanted to drop that off before my PT." She nodded. "See you tomorrow night."

"Ray," she called, just before he exited the room. He turned to look at her. "I love you too." He smiled, then turned and left.

* * *

I'm not sure I really like how this chapter turned out. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.


	9. Returning To Previous Residences

**Disclaimer:** Hasn't changed since I updated last November.

**A/N:** This didn't really turn out as well as I wanted it to. I have trouble finishing stories, which is why it has taken me so damn long to update. I hope the extensive delay doesn't wreck it. With any luck there is still interest in this story! I never like my endings. I'd really appreciate feedback on this chapter. Thanks!

Remember the pictures from chapter 3? Yes? Good, you'll understand what's going on. No? You may want to re-read the end of chapter 3.

* * *

**Chapter 9: Returning To Previous Residences**

Abby made Neela move slowly as she made her way into the apartment. Ray was asleep when they came home. Neela was surprised to find that he was napping on her bed. Though, she decided, it made sense. Against the advice of Abby, Neela got onto her bed, lying next to him, taking his hand and weaving their fingers together. Ray stirred in his sleep but didn't wake up. He woke up on his own accord about half an hour later, surprised to find the new sleeping arrangement. He glanced up at the clock.

"Neela, I have to go soon." She sat up and nodded.

"I know." She leaned down to kiss him.

"Neela," he mumbled, but she ignored him. Once they were touching it was hard for either of them to stop. Eventually, Ray got control of himself, before any of their clothes had been removed, though that was certainly the direction they were headed. "Not now." She nodded, resigned, but knowing somewhere in her heart that he was right. She sat back on the bed and just looked at him. "The first night I was here, I was looking at your pictures."

"Ok," she said, not sure of where he was going with this.

"There was one that…I was wondering if I could take one of them."

"Probably. Which one?" He leaned down and retrieved the photo album he had looked at. He opened the back cover and pulled the pictures out of the envelope marked _Sam's Pictures._ After flipping through many of them he found the one he wanted.

"This one," he said, holding out the picture. Neela looked at it.

"You can borrow it. You can't have it," she said placing the photo on the bed.

"Why not?"

"Because it's one of my favorite pictures."

"Why isn't it in the album then?" Ray teased.

"No good reason." He nodded, and put the rest of the pictures back in the folder and then closed them in the back of the album. Leaning down, he returned the album to its spot on the bottom of the bedside table.

"Which is your most favorite?"

"The one I have framed," she answered, as though he should find it obvious. She nodded to the photo of them next to her bed.

"Why that one? I'm surprised you even remember that night. We were both pretty trashed, but you especially."

"It's not so much the actual picture, it's what the picture reminds me of."

"And what's that?"

"Do you remember what we were laughing about?"

"No," he answered hesitantly. "Should I?"

"I wouldn't expect you to." She leaned over him and picked up the picture. "See that guy in the background? Holding the champagne flute?"

"Yeah."

"He had just told us we were a really sweet couple." She paused and smiled. "Telling the story now, it's really not funny at all, but we both thought it was pretty hysterical at the time."

"So what makes you remember that?"

"Because it made me wonder what it would be like if we really were a couple. It wasn't something that had ever crossed my mind before."

"That," he nodded toward the picture, "was at the groundbreaking reception for Carter's wing. Before you married Michael."

"Yes, it was," she answered guiltily.

"Why didn't you ever say anything to me about it?"

"You seemed to think it was truly a ridiculous idea. I didn't want to risk our friendship. You are the only man I know with whom I would feel comfortable dancing like that," she said gesturing at the photo, "or sitting like this," she added, picking up the other picture.

"Hand me that book, would you?" He pointed to a notebook on the end of the bed. She handed it to him. He opened it to a random page and placed the picture in it.

"What is that?"

"Lyrics. And some music, but not much. I don't want the picture to get bent." She nodded in understanding. He looked at the clock. "I need to leave now," he said quietly.

"I know." She got off the bed slowly, standing up with the help of her cane. "Need a hand with anything?" He shook his head. She watched as he transferred himself into his chair. Abby helped him gather his bags so she could take him to the airport. Before they left, Neela leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. "I love you, ok? Remember that. I love you."

"I'll let you know when I land, ok?" She nodded and they left.

-o-

Abby returned to the apartment after Ray's plane took off. Neela was sitting on the couch holding a framed picture. It didn't take Abby two guesses to figure out which picture it was.

"This was over two years ago Abby," Neela said, frustration obvious in her voice.

"The reception for Carter's wing, right?" Neela nodded. "So?"

"This is when it started, Abby. This night. This," she pointed to the man in the background, "guy's casual comment." Abby sat down next to her friend.

"What started?" Abby asked, though she was pretty sure she knew the answer.

"And I still married Michael just a few months later," Neela continued, ignoring Abby's question. "Why did it take 2 years, a failed marriage, my husband's death, a doomed relationship with an intern, and two horrifying accidents to get me from this picture to here?" Neela looked up at Abby. There were a few seconds of silence.

"Do you want me to answer that?" Abby asked.

"Yes!" Neela exclaimed. "I do!"

"Fear. Pride." Abby hesitated. "Stupidity." She paused again, thinking. "And some serious bad luck."

"Please elaborate."

"Fear? You were both scared to admit your real feelings to each other. So you didn't. Pride? You didn't want to admit that the relationship you had with Michael was not enough to be the foundation of a marriage. So you followed through with the wedding. Stupidity? You talked yourself into a relationship with Gates. And I think the bad luck is pretty clear."

"Yeah." There were several minutes of silence, then Joe started fussing. He had flung his toy out of reach and really wanted it back. Abby got up from the couch and picked up the toy. "When's Luka coming back?"

"I don't really know. And I don't really want to talk about that right now." Neela nodded.

"Do you think this is all going to work out? Honestly."

"You and Ray you mean?" Abby asked, though she didn't wait for an answer before continuing. "Yeah, eventually. But like I've said, I don't understand your relationship. I'll put it this way: I want it to work out for you, and I'm a romantic at heart," she hesitated and added parenthetically, "sometimes." She brought Joe over to the couch and sat back down next to Neela. "So I do think it will work out. I don't know what needs to happen, or change, or develop for either one of you, but I feel confidant that you both will figure it out. I've spent the last month living with Ray. As you well know, he doesn't share much of what he's thinking, but I have seen enough glimpses that I have faith that you'll get there."

"What did Ray say? About me, I mean."

"It's not so much what he said, more of his actions. Aside from the perfect attendance he had at your bedside, of course, there were lots of little things. He moved that picture," Abby nodded to the frame in Neela's hands, "completely in front of the other things on the bedside table. He watched the mail for any bills."

"Oh my goodness! Last month's rent!" Neela exclaimed.

"It's all paid, Neela."

"I should pay him back."

"It's my apartment, I paid it," Abby chuckled. "Don't worry about it. Ray and I just paid your minimums on credit card bills and stuff. It added up to, like, 30 bucks. Just forget it. But you might want to pay off the balances." Neela laughed quietly and nodded.

"Yeah, it is your apartment, isn't it?" Abby nodded and shrugged.

"Technically, yeah. But it's been your place for a while now."

"It doesn't feel like home though."

"You want to go back to England?" Neela shook her head. "What's 'home' then?" Neela shrugged.

"I really don't know."

"The last time you felt 'at home' was at Ray's wasn't it?" There was a long pause before Neela answered.

"I guess so," she said quietly.

-o-

Six hours later, Abby's cell phone rang. It was Ray calling to say he'd landed and was waiting for his mom to pull the car around. Ray was in the middle of telling Abby his battery was about to die when the call cut off.

-o-

Ray sighed heavily as his mother's two door Toyota Solara pulled up.

"Obviously, my life isn't very 'handicapped accessible' Ray. When we get home we'll have to make some adjustments, but it'll work out."

"Home," Ray scoffed, quietly so Jacy didn't hear. "This is not home."

"Evan moved in a few weeks ago, but your bedroom is still yours," Jacy continued, not having heard her son. "Prophetic that you always wanted a first floor room."

"Evan?" Ray asked. "Newest boy toy?" Jacy scowled.

"Ray, you are going to be living with me for a while, we've got to get along."

"Whatever, mom. Let's just go."

The ride home was tensely silent. Jacy was trying to form a list in her head of all the things she needed to do to make her life work now that her son was finally back. Ray wracked his brain, trying to remember if he'd met Evan. He decided he hadn't, and his mind strayed to how handicapped inaccessible the house truly was. The house was built slightly into a hill, so while there were steps into the main door, the side walk wrapped around to the back door with no steps. There was the kitchen, living room, dining room and his bedroom all on the main floor. Really the only inaccessible things were attic storage, other bedrooms, the second and third bathrooms, an office, and the basement. This wasn't his idea of home, but it would work for the time being.

When they pulled up to the house, Evan was sitting outside on the deck. Everything still looks the same, Ray thought, two rocking chairs, a hammock, and a glass topped table with a crack right down the center from when the basketball hit it. Jacy quickly got out and pulled Ray's wheelchair out of the trunk. Evan came down off the porch and helped Ray out of the car.

"You must be Evan," Ray said as the man closed the car door.

"Indeed, it's nice to meet you Ray," the older man replied, extending his hand. Ray shook it, as he took in the details of the man standing before him. His accent immediately gave him away as a life-long resident of Baton Rouge. He was wearing a faded shirt and slightly dirty jeans—a far cry from Ray's own father who was hardly ever seen out of a business suit and tie. Evan's dark tan implied he did not have a traditional desk job.

"You finished the flower bed," Jacy noted as she pulled out a few bags from the back seat.

"Yeah, I got done with the McPhearson's job early, so I finally got a chance."

"Evan's a landscaper," Jacy explained to her son. Ray nodded. Jacy and Evan continued chatting and Ray lost himself in his own thoughts. For the next hour, Jacy helped Ray move in until he requested she leave him alone. He lay in the dark for a while listening to sounds of rural Louisiana, such a startling change from the city noise of Chicago. It was when this realization, that he was so far from what his life had been, hit him that the tears that had been welling up for a month finally flowed free.

-o-

Neela and Abby didn't hear from Ray again until a letter arrived a few days after he left.

_June 2007_

_Dear Neela,_

_I'm sitting in my childhood room for the first time in what I figure is 7 years. It's not home. I'm just now realizing how painful the next 6 months are going to be. I didn't appreciate how comforting it was to be with you every day._

_Thanks for lending me the picture, it makes it feel a little like home._

_Yours,_

_Ray_

"He sure is a man of few words," Abby noted as she looked over Neela's shoulder at the letter. Neela nodded, absentmindedly playing with the ring on her necklace.

* * *

Reviews are love.


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